शैतानियत

My first attempt at Hindi "poetry," if you can call it so.

n00bness, possibly, but who gives a bull?

एक बार

शैतानों के सरदार ने

सभी शैतानों को बुलाया.

उसकी आँखें लाल

चेहरे का जलाल

देखकर

हर शैतान घबराया!

शैतान गुर्राया

"काफिरों!

क्या तुम लोग

इस कदर

डर गए हो

इंसान से?"

कुछ क्षण की

शान्ति के बाद

सहमा हुआ एक बूढा शैतान

बोला

"हाँ सरदार,

हम हार गए हैं

इंसान हमसे भी

बाज़ी मार गए हैं.

हम कांपने लगे हैं

आंसुओं और आँहों से.

इंसान डरता नहीं मगर

बड़े बड़े गुनाहों से.

धर्म और ईमान

सबका अर्थ बदल गया है

इंसान हमसे बहुत

आगे निकल गया है.

हम तो सिर्फ अपना

खौफ दिखाते हैं

पर इंसान तो

इंसान को ही खा जाते हैं!

सही और गलत

सबका अर्थ बदल गया है

इंसान हमसे बहुत

आगे निकल गया है.

बस सरदार

हमसे अब ये

और बर्दाश्त किया नहीं जाता.

सच्चाई को सामने देखकर भी

उसे अनदेखा किया नहीं जाता.

हम अब इस तरह

शांत नहीं बैठने वाले

अपने अस्तित्व के खात्में का

मूकदर्शक नहीं बनने वाले.

हमें भी अब

कुछ करना होगा.

शैतानियत की हद से

गुज़रना होगा.

हमें भी अब

इंसान बनना होगा.

हाँ सरदार, हमें भी अब

इंसान बनना होगा.

Puke

Puke, yes that's what they do. All around me. Puke, all the time. Puke out stupidity, puke out irrationality. And that, that makes me puke too.
You thought the world was a fantastic place with fantastic people all around waiting to do nice things all the time, people who think for the good, people who can logically deduce what is good for them and for others, all the fucking time. What you don't realise is that the optimism they display is a fucking joke. To survive, you have to slit someone else's throat, directly or indirectly.
Humanity developed, they said, and that development makes them far superior than all other living beings and shit.
But who is to vouch for the fact that all this development was actually good for you? What significance do you have, a tiny speck in this swarming flood of six hundred million assholes, born to survive, and dying in that attempt to survive.
The world, my friend, is a pileful of morbid shit, courtesy us. When Holmes said he didn't give a boot if the earth goes round the sun or otherwise...I couldn't agree more with him. He knew as much as was needed to do his work, and for the rest of the idle time he lazied around injecting cocaine into himself. I don't think Holmes died an unsatisfied man, no way. Holmes was not crazy.
But you are, my friend. You crave for recognition, recognition amongst all those people who puke around, all the time. Why the should you, my friend? Have you no sense of time? I'll tell you what you should do: Not give a fuck! Yes, exactly. Try not giving a fuck as to what they think about you. If you can get enough to survive, as well as be happy, what else do you need? But then, again, you've been doped since your birth, you've been shown the upper limits of two hundred different things, without actually being shown the shady path of actually reaching the upper limit. And you fooled yourself into thinking that it was your upper limit too. You, at that very moment, fucked up your chance to be happy. A mistake which can only be rectified after a lot of sense is instilled in you, and that, my friend, is not an easy process. Till then, listen to the pukish shit, and puke around. Oh yeah, of course, there's always your saviour. God. When you meet him, give him a nice kick on his butt, from my side.

Yeah, I'm fucking grass-ed. So what? The very fact that you have nothing better to do than to read my insignificant pile of shit shows how big an asshole you are. No worries. I'm with you. Asshole.

Patriotism; a positive trait?

Ever since my mind was developed enough to think sensibly, I never had a thing for patriotism. Of course, I always supported India in an India versus any other country's cricket match, but that was because I had to take one side, and there was no logic behind taking the side of the other country, of course. I never was "proud" of my country, to be honest. To be "proud" of your country, you need to have something in the country to be proud of. You need only to switch on your television and watch the national news channel for one hour to get numerous reasons for not being proud of your country. When shit happens before your own eyes, it's very difficult to ignore it and continue believing in those doctrines which have been taught to you since your birth.

No, I do not intend to give the points why I think India is way behind other countries and reasons why "we" are still backward and stuff like that, because such a list of points will of course not adhere to the word limit of a blog-post (whatever it may be). People may say, as they always say, "baatein to sabhi karte hain, par kisiko kuch karna nahin hai desh ko sudhaarne ke liye!" This is one of the most nonsensical statements I've come across with. They mean to say, that to get a good life for yourself, first you have to "sudhaaro apna desh" and then expect anything good for yourself. How fucking retarded. Why can't I, as an individual of the world, have the right to get the best facilities available for myself, wherever in the world they may be? Why can't I expect a society which has minimal corruption, which actually works according to a set of laws of the land, and where you can expect to live a good and comfortable life being a common moderate individual and not a person with radical views of "changing the country?" Why do I have to be stuck in a place I know is not as good as some other place in the world just for a display of my patriotism? I can find no good reason, not one.

Coming out of India in particular, and talking about patriotism in general, I could never find a logic behind being patriotic about any country. As far as I think, a country is not a discernible collection of discernible individuals like a team or a faculty or a local chapter of a voluntary association. Of course a country is a delimited territory. It is also a place, a setting, a geography; it has a landscape, cityscapes, perhaps seascapes; it has old buildings as well as new ones; it has historical sights; it has a light, an air, an atmosphere; it has a special look. But it is also constructed out of transmitted memories true and false; a history usually mostly falsely sanitized or falsely heroized; a sense of kinship of a largely invented purity; and social ties that are largely invisible or impersonal, indeed, abstract, yet by an act of insistent or of dream-like imagination made visible and personal.

What, then, is patriotism really? It is a readiness to die and to kill for an abstraction: nothing you can see all of, or feel as you feel the presence of another person, or comprehend. Patriotism, then, is a readiness to die and to kill for what is largely a figment of the imagination. For this figment, one commits oneself to a militarized and continuously politicized conception of life, a conception that is entirely masculinist.

I ask us to notice that an abstraction of the sort I say patriotism is, is not the same thing as a principle. There is a very sharp contrast between a readiness to die and kill for an abstraction and a readiness to do the same for a principle. A principle must be universal, but an abstraction can have any scope. To embrace a principle, which is of course abstract in some sense, is to pledge oneself to a rule to guide one’s perception of the world and, if one has sufficient integrity, to guide one’s conduct in it. A moral principle…governs one’s conduct toward others, and the expectations one had to the conduct of others. A moral principle must be conceived as universalist, and asks for consistent application; and it aims at respect for persons or individuals, not abstract entities of imagination. There is also a sharp contrast between an abstraction like patriotism and a tangible interest like being protected or preserved in one’s rights of life, liberty, and property, for which purpose it may also sometimes be thought necessary to risk death and to kill.

The highest moral principles teach restraint of self-preference, whether the self is oneself or a group-self; while, on the other hand, a person’s basic rights and tangible self-interest, in a tolerable society, are supposed to be practiced or achieved without morally cognizable harm to the same rights and interests of others. In contrast, patriotism is self-idealization; it is group narcissism without any self-restraint except for a frequently unreliable prudence, and carried to death-dealing lengths. Patriotism is one of the more radical forms of group-thinking, or group identity and affiliation. I will never consider it as a positive trait for any individual.

Yes, I will still support India in an India v/s any other country's sporting event, but don't expect myself to remain here just for the sake of patriotism, in case I am getting to live a better quality of life anywhere else in the world. Not a chance.

Things You'll NEVER Hear Them Say

Richard Dawkins: Science? Oh C'mon, God created it! Amen.

Pope Benedict XVI: Hey nigga, fuck you man!

Happy Potter (on watching Hermionie use the Levitation Charm towards the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts): Hey, that was like, real MAGIC, girl! How could you do that?

Karthik C.S: Oye launde chal daaru peeke aate hain!

Prateek Chaturvedi: Dude, you really consume alcohol? Don't you know it's prohibited out here?

Michael Jackson: KEEP THOSE LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM ME! I hate 'em.

Holden J. Caufield: Who me? I'm real stupid.

Mahatma Gandhi: Maaro saale ko! Maaro!

Andrew Wiles: How did I prove what? Oh that?! It was just a random dream...

Arpan Saha: Masturbation? Err...what's what? (looks up in his e-dictionary)

Arpan Saha: RG? Who's she? (looks up in his facebook friends' list)

Anuj Shah: Hey, let's bunk tomorrow's IC lecture man, that prof. is so boring!

Oscar Wilde: Woo...that chick was hot!

Uncyclopedia founder: Oscar Wilde? Who the fuck is he?

Max Payne: I think I should sleep for a while, you know. I'm tired.

Sambre: Yaar PJ mat maar...meri khap jaati hai.

Kanitkar: Hostel enthu? Kya fart hai!

Mood-I CG: Acads pe dhyaan do, baaki sab fart hai.

Rakhi Sawant: I was AIR 73, IIT-JEE 1999.

India TV News Reader: Aur ab kuch aam khabrein...

Suryateja Gavva: I got a girlfriend!

AIR 1: I had a girlfriend!

Salhotra: Abey hostel elections ke chakkar mein mat pado, jaao midsem ke liye mugo!

Random Gulti: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Random Ghati: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: *Says something*

Navjot Siddhu: *Keeps his mouth shut*

Harshvardhan: Mera bandiyon se give-up ho gaya hai yaar!

Srinath: Chemistry?? How bowwring!

DOSA: Here, boys, I have some 20 lakhs this year to contribute to Mood-I. Will that be enough? And you can always take my car.

Ravindra Jadeja: And then I hit that elegant cover drive....

Ashish Nehra: Hey, me too!

Vishy Anand: Let's play some cricket.

Dilip Tirkey: I was thinking about some chess though...

IITB Director: We don't need no...education...

Mihir Mogre: Chalo mentees...kal Rodas mein treat hai meri.

Sherlock Holmes: You're completely correct, Watson!

Watson: Oh yeah? Gimme some cocaine then.

Himanshu: Hindustani Classical? Dude, that's so old fashioned!

Hannibal Lectar: Vegetarian, is the way to be!

Ketav: Alright, enough! I won't show my teeth, EVER!

Majin-Buu: GOKU?? He's stronger than me! I won't fight him!

Jack Sparrow: Spare his life! Take mine.

Dhruv Vijay Mairal: Pr0n should be banned in NUJS.

Salman Rushdie: English, my friend, should be as simple as possible!

Rahul Sharma: Ma**r C**d! Teri Maa Ka Bh***a!

Master Chief: That hunter was pretty cute, no?

Rajnikanth: I can't fly.

Me: You say I'm just GOOD at debating? I'm GOD at debating! And that's the freaking point!

-I know I missed loads of them...I hope you guys contribute more through comments. I'll publish the good ones. :D

Chimpu...and Nothing to Do!

After all these months of inactivity, I actually have nothing significant to post. Honestly. You really have to be in a "mood" to start typing a blog post, and most importantly finish it. There are approximately half a dozen posts which I started and got up to 50%, and then abandoned them for reasons not properly known even to myself. Other than laziness, I mean. I hope I'll finally get the enthusiasm to finish them and post them soon. Hope runs the world. :D

Hey by the way, have you ever seen a dog chasing it's tail? Hahaha...it's so funny I tell you! I went to my neighbour's yesterday and they have this cute pomeranian who always comes around and keeps licking my feet. I went to their place after like, a year and he still remembered me! Dogs are more faithful than humans, I tell you. Go to a close friend's place after a year and he'll be like "Who are you? Fuck off, bitch!" Ok, at least my friends are that way. The bastards. Pomeranians are so much better.

So I was chatting with my neighbour, who unfortunately had to repeat his 12th standard, yet AGAIN! I never understood why that guy isn't serious at all towards his career. Even his parents are so aloof. It kills me. And that auntie, she's so phoney! She's the types who'll talk so sweetly and all with you when you're around but behind your back she'll be the first one to curse you. I hate such aunties. No wonder her son is a complete rascal.

Ok so, coming back to the point, as soon as the dog was finished licking my feet, it suddenly jumped down the stairs (we were sitting on the stairs), and started running around frantically, chasing its tail. I never understood why dogs love to chase their tails so much. Some people say that the poor creatures think their tail is some sort of a prey. But then, c'mon, even if dogs initially see their tails as bushy little squirrels, it shouldn't take them long to realize their mistake. I mean, they remember you even after they see you after a goddamn year, man. They can't be so stupid, no.

It's quite possible that some dogs catch a glimpse of their tails, get excited, and without thinking about it try to catch the pesky things. They rarely succeed, of course, but they still keep trying to chase them down, not once or twice, but all the time! They may simply think it's fun, specially when people they live with think it's fun too. Dogs generally happen to enjoy an appreciative audience, as much as I've learned from my experience of observing their habits. When they discover that something gets them a lot of attention, they'll keep doing it.

But this has a downside...some dogs will keep on performing their act even when the curtains are down! So with no one around, they still keep on chasing their tails, and then they run themselves ragged until they collapse in a panting heap on the floor.

And then they get up and do it again. Just like Chimpu did that day. Yes, Chimpu, that's the name that my neighbour has given to his dog. What a name! Chimpu. Couldn't he think of anything better and a little more sophisticated? No wonder that guy failed twice in his 12th.

So after an hour I was going back again, and Chimpu got up, started wagging it's tail and started licking my feet again. That dog is so nice I tell you! He hardly barks and always does crazy and funny things with people around (and sometimes when they aren't too). I almost felt like asking him about his tail-chasing sessions and all, and explaining to him why it was futile and why he'd never be able to make it unless his tail grows as long as a buffalo's. But then I realized I was not that good a communicator with dogs, so I decided against it. Chimpu is quite cute though, you know. Chimpu, what a name!

Anyway, enough of my idiocy, I just had to post something coz I hadn't since the last three months, plus I was in no mood of writing emo/psychological/philosophical/how_should_one_live_his_life_to_be_happy stuff this time round. And hence Chimpu. Hahaha. :|

And as a good friend of mine signs off,

Peace,

Rapunz.......uhuh!!

Anupam. :)

The Fake Einstein

I had no idea why Albert, my new research assistant, had come up with such absurd a solution to so simple a problem which I had presented before him. Just the other day, I was discussing with him stuff related to the constancy of the speed of light in various frames. Something which I infer to be true, of course contrary to the general belief. I've always been uncomfortable with the status quo of time being constant irrespective of the newtonian reference frame it is in. Even though Physicists in general might consider this idea to be totally looney, there is this "something is wrong somewhere" feeling which has been bugging me for a long time now.

Unable to bear the confusion and restlessness any more, I called up Albert up to my office that night, after finally formulating a much simpler solution and, more importantly, a correct solution to the "relativity problem," as I called it, than what he had earlier come up with. Albert was one of the most promising guys under me, always enthusiastic to learn something new, and never afraid to think unconventionally. Needless to mention, he never considered me to be a lunatic.

"Albert! Good to see you up here! Please take your seat."

"Sir, why did you call me up at this point of time at night? Anything really important?"

"Albert, the solution you gave me, it was incorrect, and rather clumsy, to be honest."

Not actually being aware of my to-the-point talks, Albert looked a bit offended at my comment.

"Well sir, I thought I'd rather understood the problem very well, and I couldn't find a flaw in my solution, though I admit it was somewhat complicated and lengthy."

"The only flaw in it was that it was incorrect. And you made me strain a lot over the problem because you made it unnecessarily difficult. Look here, the velocity transformation equation you've used to convert the velocity from one inertial frame to another, doesn't actually take into consideration the simple result: If you take a speed much lesser than the speed of light in vacuum, this equation should give way to the classical velocity transformation equation, for it has been verified by experiments. The simple fact that it didn't, was enough for me to conclude that you solution was incorrect."

Albert pondered over that equation, and finally agreed to it's incorrectness.

"But sir, this might surely be a small mistake, and can be rectified isn't it?"

"It can't, sadly, because you've used the same equation to derive loads of other equations in your solution. In short, it is useless."

"Then you surely can give me a better solution, sir? Have you come up with it?"

"Yes I have, Albert, and that's why I called you up here now. I derived these equations mathematically, using just the basic two postulates as my defining laws. I feel that this solution is much simpler and, actually the correct one."

Albert went through the solution intensely. After a lot of cogitation he replied:

"Perfect, sir! Do you have any idea that this could create history, and that the very basics of newtonian mechanics will be directly challenged? I'm not sure that this would be accepted without a lot of ruckus amongst the Physicists and scientists in general. You must be prepared for replies to loads of questions, sir, I must warn you. This isn't going to be easy at all. Are you sure you have a strong basis for your claim?"

"I have, Albert, and for the betterment of science in general, it is no good that this theory should be confined within these four walls. I will send all related papers to Princeton, and other copies to other big universities. We can call it the 'New Theory of Relativity.'"

"Yes, the 'New Theory of Relativity', by Albert Einstein!"

"What? What did you just say, Albert?"

"Shut up, you retarded fool. What on earth did you think? I was working on this stupid problem under a stupid Indian just to sit out and make merry of his fame? hahahaha...this is not going to be the case, my dear sir! I, I will be famous this time. This will be MY theory of Relativity, and I will be the most famous Physicist in this world."

"Surely, Albert, this is most outrageous. Have you gone out of your mind? I don't think you would dare to make this speech if you were sane."

"I am completely normal, you bastard. You do not deserve to be famous. What are you? A rude know-it-all who thinks that he can make anyone work under him and obey his orders even if he behaves with them like they're nobodys? I am a Physicist too, and your monopoly over Physics research is going to end, you Paki rat. YOU are going to end!"

He took out his revolver.

"Albert? What are you doing? Please, NO! Albert, stop! Don't be so selfish...I was not doing all this to become famous, I just wanted to contribute my bit to Science, and Physics. Please, Albert, put down that revolver. I will mention your name, and all the work that you have.........."

"I will listen to no more of your non-sense, you nincompoop."
BANG! BANG!
"Take that! And that!"

"No! No! Spare my life! Noooooo!"

"Abe chutiye 'spare my life...' uth ja, 9 baj gaye. Physics ka tutorial hai. Tabse saale neend mein bake ja raha hai. Pi li thi kya raat ko?"

"Heh? What? Albert?"

"Albert tera baap behnchod. Aankh kholke dekh. Main bhi late ho gaya aaj. Pichli tute bhi tune bunk maari thi, ye wali chale ja nahin to XX lagegi. Abhi uth, brush muh mein daal, aur tute chal. Paagal ho gaya hai saale."

Eh?!?!



~Nuts.

One Man's Land

Into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Illuminated, but, by the succinctness of the incessant curvature,
Of the ever-static, ever-necessary, portrait of anthropology,
Shaped like a double-bow, inviting its victims,
To crush down on it's variable double-flapped terrace.

It started with the very genesis of the human race,
Something so irrevocable, persisting through millenniums,
Surfaces did change, but the course remained the same,
Never was there an ambiguity, never, an iota of shame,
'Coz the cycle of life, hung on, on that very entity!

As into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Yet again, the drowse withstanding,
It rested at the far end, my eventual destiny,
The three lesser brothers, the no-contact ones,
Paving the way, for they'd already been taken...

By those lesser mortals, fear impinged on their brain,
Of breaking down, lest they miss their common tryst.
My tirade never helped, 'twas a battle of equals,
What with the final weapon in my hand, the left one?
I was left helpless, gaping, the last one standing.

So into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Filled with those innumerable regrets, of not waking up,
Soon enough to be able to get in, the Indian Style loos.
Yes, my friends, with serious reservations,
That was the day, I had to use the 'Commode.'


~And I have a Scilab assignment to upload in the next few hours.
~Needless to mention I haven't done a *shit* 'bout it.
~Goddamn.