Things You'll NEVER Hear Them Say

Richard Dawkins: Science? Oh C'mon, God created it! Amen.

Pope Benedict XVI: Hey nigga, fuck you man!

Happy Potter (on watching Hermionie use the Levitation Charm towards the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts): Hey, that was like, real MAGIC, girl! How could you do that?

Karthik C.S: Oye launde chal daaru peeke aate hain!

Prateek Chaturvedi: Dude, you really consume alcohol? Don't you know it's prohibited out here?

Michael Jackson: KEEP THOSE LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM ME! I hate 'em.

Holden J. Caufield: Who me? I'm real stupid.

Mahatma Gandhi: Maaro saale ko! Maaro!

Andrew Wiles: How did I prove what? Oh that?! It was just a random dream...

Arpan Saha: Masturbation? Err...what's what? (looks up in his e-dictionary)

Arpan Saha: RG? Who's she? (looks up in his facebook friends' list)

Anuj Shah: Hey, let's bunk tomorrow's IC lecture man, that prof. is so boring!

Oscar Wilde: Woo...that chick was hot!

Uncyclopedia founder: Oscar Wilde? Who the fuck is he?

Max Payne: I think I should sleep for a while, you know. I'm tired.

Sambre: Yaar PJ mat maar...meri khap jaati hai.

Kanitkar: Hostel enthu? Kya fart hai!

Mood-I CG: Acads pe dhyaan do, baaki sab fart hai.

Rakhi Sawant: I was AIR 73, IIT-JEE 1999.

India TV News Reader: Aur ab kuch aam khabrein...

Suryateja Gavva: I got a girlfriend!

AIR 1: I had a girlfriend!

Salhotra: Abey hostel elections ke chakkar mein mat pado, jaao midsem ke liye mugo!

Random Gulti: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Random Ghati: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: *Says something*

Navjot Siddhu: *Keeps his mouth shut*

Harshvardhan: Mera bandiyon se give-up ho gaya hai yaar!

Srinath: Chemistry?? How bowwring!

DOSA: Here, boys, I have some 20 lakhs this year to contribute to Mood-I. Will that be enough? And you can always take my car.

Ravindra Jadeja: And then I hit that elegant cover drive....

Ashish Nehra: Hey, me too!

Vishy Anand: Let's play some cricket.

Dilip Tirkey: I was thinking about some chess though...

IITB Director: We don't need no...education...

Mihir Mogre: Chalo mentees...kal Rodas mein treat hai meri.

Sherlock Holmes: You're completely correct, Watson!

Watson: Oh yeah? Gimme some cocaine then.

Himanshu: Hindustani Classical? Dude, that's so old fashioned!

Hannibal Lectar: Vegetarian, is the way to be!

Ketav: Alright, enough! I won't show my teeth, EVER!

Majin-Buu: GOKU?? He's stronger than me! I won't fight him!

Jack Sparrow: Spare his life! Take mine.

Dhruv Vijay Mairal: Pr0n should be banned in NUJS.

Salman Rushdie: English, my friend, should be as simple as possible!

Rahul Sharma: Ma**r C**d! Teri Maa Ka Bh***a!

Master Chief: That hunter was pretty cute, no?

Rajnikanth: I can't fly.

Me: You say I'm just GOOD at debating? I'm GOD at debating! And that's the freaking point!

-I know I missed loads of them...I hope you guys contribute more through comments. I'll publish the good ones. :D

One Man's Land

Into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Illuminated, but, by the succinctness of the incessant curvature,
Of the ever-static, ever-necessary, portrait of anthropology,
Shaped like a double-bow, inviting its victims,
To crush down on it's variable double-flapped terrace.

It started with the very genesis of the human race,
Something so irrevocable, persisting through millenniums,
Surfaces did change, but the course remained the same,
Never was there an ambiguity, never, an iota of shame,
'Coz the cycle of life, hung on, on that very entity!

As into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Yet again, the drowse withstanding,
It rested at the far end, my eventual destiny,
The three lesser brothers, the no-contact ones,
Paving the way, for they'd already been taken...

By those lesser mortals, fear impinged on their brain,
Of breaking down, lest they miss their common tryst.
My tirade never helped, 'twas a battle of equals,
What with the final weapon in my hand, the left one?
I was left helpless, gaping, the last one standing.

So into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Filled with those innumerable regrets, of not waking up,
Soon enough to be able to get in, the Indian Style loos.
Yes, my friends, with serious reservations,
That was the day, I had to use the 'Commode.'


~And I have a Scilab assignment to upload in the next few hours.
~Needless to mention I haven't done a *shit* 'bout it.
~Goddamn.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum \m/

Ek Aankhodekhi Report:

Q.E.D. is the new upcoming death metal\m/ (read thrash, doom, black and blue, death, killer, motherfucking hell, screw you bitch, you're dead if you don't scream your voice-box out) band doing the rounds in the recent underground death metal\m/ scene. This band, like no other band before, takes the death metal\m/ scene to a new height altogether.

In the attempt for a new Guinness record for the highest decibel reached in growling during a death metal\m/ track, this new band broke all previous records, growling for a record four minutes at above hundred and fifty decibels. Five completely sane human beings, who were standing just besides the mega-speakers (after this activity I wonder if you can actually consider them as completely sane) lost their hearing ability, and with that their nonchalant interest in death metal\m/, for ever. As reported by their band manager, Q.E.D. was actually saddened after this news was confirmed, because they had their initial aim of deafening at least ten (so called) sane human beings to make their Guinness record more satisfying and distinct.

The inside story, as I got to know later, was that the only thing Q.E.D. wanted was to reach the top position at the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition in Mood Indigo 2013, the annual cultural festival of IIT-Bombay, which just doesn't look like coming to an end, ever. During my investigation, I also got to know a lot of curious information which was, until now, hidden from the general public. For an example, did you know that more than half of the audience watching the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition (including samples like me), didn't understand the head or tail of whatever crap the Q.E.D. vocalists were ricocheting, but they still were tapping their feet and banging their heads as if they were die-hard 'DEATH METAL\m/ FANATICS' since the day of their arrival on this planet?

Considering the sutta-fanatic judges, who found Mach-3 too expensive to buy, I was sure that Q.E.D. would reach the top of the LIVEWIRE\m/ concert, and so they did. Hypnotizing each and every member of the audience, Q.E.D. finally showed that they were not to be taken lightly in the international Death Metal\m/ Scene. Junta! Get ready for Q.E.D. We're here, and we're GROOOOOOWWWWLLLIINGGGG!

Now for some interesting facts, which will get you goosebumps. Here are the COMPLETE LYRICS of the latest Q.E.D. track, for which there have been two reported suicides already. The poor guys couldn't control their anticipation and excitement and hung themselves to death. Really poor guys.

okay, so back to the lyrics, here they are:

AWWWWWOWWWW GRRROOOOWLLLLIINNGGGGGG WE AREEEE!
AWWWWWOWWWW STILL GRRROWWWLLLINGGGG WE AREEEE!
WHO THE FUCK GIVES A DAMN 'BOUT THE LYRICS!
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND A RAT'S ASS OURSELVESSS!
GROWWWWLLLL GROWWWWWLLLL IT'S FUN TO BE AMONGST SUCH MORONNSSS!
GGGRRRRROOOWWLLLL GROOOOOWLLLL AND GROWLLLL AND WE CANNN SWEAAARRR AT YOU AND NO ONE GETSS A THINGGG!!!
DUMBFUCKS WE'VE BEEN REPEATING THE SAME STANZA FOR THE LAST FIVE MINUTES!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA THIS IS AWESOMEEEE!

I hope you found it orgasmic. For further updates on the godmaxxx Q.E.D., keep being an asshole and a DEATH-METAL-FANATIC \m/! There's no 'and/or' here.

GRRROOOWWWLLL!!


~ Eleven minutes (if you get the pun, you're awesome) is all that it took. And now I have a job.
~ And yeah, a very Happy New Year, for all those losers who think, yet again, that this year's gonna be the best ever. Take care.
~Oh and how could I forget?

DEATH METAL \m/ FTW!!

And now for the BESTTT PARRRTTT!!

The Three Mistakes of My Day

It all started when, after one full week of looking like a bonobo, I finally decided to shave off my beard and be a human once again. For a change. At times, not having a girlfriend makes you care shit about your appearance. Don't know if it was the effect of being horrified by an eight-feet long poisonous snake early in the morning languishing outside my room, which might have shot my mind somewhere. Who can forget Himanshu's petrified cries of "Abey! Saanp hai wing mein! Aath feet lamba! Jaldi aa! Jaldi aa!", waking me up from a meagre two and a half hours of mosquito-ridden sleep.

Anyway, I lazied off to the basin area with my shaving kit. I didn't put on a tee and just hoped Arpan won't hop out of his room with his "Hey, sexy!" remarks and that coquettish smile. Thankfully Arpan was busy staring at the pics of his self-proclaimed "queen of the campus." Frankly speaking I didn't find her even close to being the queen of anything. Except maybe the queen of not having, ahem, some elementary things.

Then came the first mistake of the day, which was not looking at your effing watch when you have one at a distance of 28.5 cm from your eyes. The 8:30 A.M. MA-105 lecture was, of course, supposed to be bunked that day, because apparently UK's nonchalant cries of "Green! Stoke! Divergence! Attendance! Sudesh (yeah right)!" were not something one would love to start one's day with. Except of course, some dickheads for whom not sitting on the first row was as good as not attending the class itself. I mean, c'mon, you know math and all, okay, you were in the IMO camp, excellent. But why the heck should you use so many "Yeah! YEAH! yEAH! and yEAh!"s in your speech for no apparent reason other than shooting some random bull? Bloody Ghatis (no offense meant, believe me or not). You know English, but why show off? So MUCH? Dumbfucks.

Yeah so, coming back to the basin area (I'm suddenly reminded of 8th standard Geography here. Strange), I finally cared to stare at my watch, and it was 10:25! Goddamn hell! Sunoj's CH-103 lecture at 10:30!! Couldn't miss it that day at any cost. I'd already missed the last lecture and had to attend this one, because Sunoj's uploaded slides contained absolutely nothing of importance. I mean, who on earth wanted to know how to draw arrows from one compound to the other for chrissake? "Arrows are one of the most important things in Organic Chemistry", declared professor R.B. Sunoj, one fine morning. Yeah, definitely. That's what is most important. Rat's ass.

And I so wanted to shave properly that day, I swear! But then, "Life's not always fair, my child," I echoed those pravachans of Deepak Phatak in my ears and finished shaving in a record three and a half minutes. And cut myself under the lower lip. Putting as much of my lower lip inside my mouth as possible I palpitated back to the room. I checked for Himanshu et al in the nearby rooms, and they were all gone. Bloody bastards, I have got one sadist bunch of batch-mates with me, I tell you. Couldn't at least one of them wait for poor me? Screw 'em all.

I put on the only set of washed clothes I still had remaining and any random deodorant I could lay my hands on. Yes, I do sweat a lot. As always, no rickshaw or bus when you need one. Having a bicycle in IITB is a waste anyway, the place is so hilly that you'll have to pull your cycle half the time, rather than the other way round. Finally I reached the lecture theatre, tired and panting. And it was at that very moment timed 10:53 A.M. that I committed the second mistake of the day, entering LT through the front door when the back door would have been a lot less attention seeking. I entered to be welcomed with a guffaw and chants of "aa gaye hero! aa gaye! aa gaye!" by those lifeless rascals who just en-cashed on any goddamn opportunity to create a ruckus during the lecture. And then came, as expected, Sunoj with his uber-pathetic attempts to sarcasm, "Welcome! Welcome to CH-103! Look at the clock, my boy, there. Only thirty minutes late. Now that's not a big deal. Sit, sit. Enjoy yourself. I don't give marks for attendance anyway." I was about to defend myself and correct him by reminding that I was twenty five, not thirty minutes late. But some good sense warned me from doing so. I fumbled on the first empty seat I could lay my ass on, flustered to perfection. There went the next thirty minutes of my attention as well. I could as well have bunked the lecture and slept pretty, minus the embarrassment. Fuck.

Coming back to the hostel, lunch was pathetic. Monday lunches. I skipped, coz I didn't have an appetite for the canteen stuff either. And then I entered room no. 290. Arpan's laptop fortunately wasn't busy with Karthik sitting crooked and staring at the screen for no apparent reason whatsoever, which is the usual case, and I started doing some random shit online. And then at 4:55 there came Ketava Mehta's call, which reminded me of the third mistake of the day, not sleeping even when you're dead sleepy and doing random bull on the internet instead. Monseigneur Ketava reminded me of the NSO swimming endurance test, which was to start in another FREAKING HALF AN HOUR, and which involved swimming continuously for one hour, without stopping anywhere. The only problem with me was that I had hardly slept the entire night, plus I'd wasted the afternoon doing, as I mentioned earlier, some random shit online, without sleeping for a second, and that I felt I would be DEAD if anyone made me swim for fifteen minutes. One freaking hour. I was so dead.

Seven thirty and I was back after the endurance test, swimming a decent 1.6 kms without a single stop. And I was alive. Just that I felt like a complete lunatic. The same feeling one would have after gulping down two quarters of neat Smirnoff. And I was hungry. And sleepy. Actually, dead hungry and dead sleepy. Being more of the sleeping kind, I just fell on my bed. Damn! I actually fell on Patil, who was already sleeping there, on MY bed under MY bedsheet. I just hoped he didn't mind much. You're in for some serious problems if your roomie suspects that you have a thing for him. Anyway, I remember shooting him some bull as an explanation towards my strange behaviour, and pleading him to sleep somewhere else. He agreed immediately, and I slept my heart out. Patil is a nice roomie. A really nice roomie.

Part II: The Encounter. The Beginning.

You cannot get unluckier than this. You just, cannot. Consider my case, that Saturday night. This was the chain of events:

1. I had my MA-105 end-sem on Monday, and I had more than half of the course left. Talk about hating pure Math.

2. I was there all night, mugging as much I can in GG (Girish Gaitonde lecture hall in the electrical department, for the ignorant lot), and half of what I was reading wasn't going into my head, courtesy of almost two days of sleeplessness.

3. It was 5:45 AM, I was all alone, and was watching the sun rise, yet again for the fifteenth day in a row. The croaking of the innumerable crows outside were making it further difficult for me to concentrate, and I finally decided to go out and have a stroll.

4. No, sleeping was not an option. AT ALL. Do not direct your thoughts in that direction.

5. Out of the many places I could have gone to, I chose the lakeside. Finally some nice, serene place with no disturbance and perfect solitude, I thought.

6. And for the seven million and forty seventh time in my life, I was wrong. Lakeside was buzzing with angry-looking professors, some of them jogging around and some others trying to ape Baba Ramdev.

7. I also noticed Pooja Padhi (our HS-101 Microeconomics Professor) calling out for someone and giving me a disgruntled look. Talk about having a bad start for the day. I wondered how she even remembered my face...I'd hardly attended even 20% of her classes in the whole semester.

8. Pissed, I started moving further down the path which actually leads to the lake, and to the denser tree cover, in the hope of getting some solitude. Everyone other than myself was a piss-off at that point of time. Sleeplessness makes you get irritated quickly and for no reason.

9. I knew there were rumours of leopards roaming around at that part of the lakeside, and it still was quite dark, for there isn't proper sunlight before 6:45 AM in Bombay during winters. I hardly cared. I actually wished I found a leopard or something, for a change. My life was hell boring anyway.

10. Thankfully there was no one there. Apparently Ramdev hadn't taught the professors some exercise to shoo away leopards. I caught a strange glistening insect lingering on a small leaf some way down the side of the lake. I couldn't resist myself and went ahead to have a look.

11. Something happened just then...It wasn't a leopard as I'd anticipated, but was something surely no less dangerous than one, in terms of fatality. A long, brown snake came out right in front of me, from nowhere! It freaked the senses out of me, and as I turned back to run, it was a SLIP! SPLOSH! THUD!, and I was down and out. I looked around to check out the snake, thankfully it wasn't there now. But it surely booked my brand new Benetton T-Shirt for another round to the washing room, plus led to incessant bleeding in my right elbow. Now you know why you can't get unluckier than this, your MA-105 exam being just a little more than 24 hours away. For the next few minutes, I didn't even have the strength to get up. Something inside me wanted me to spend the next few hours lying stomach-down, cursing that unlucky day of January 1991 when the biggest loser ever was born, and tasting some more of the lakeside mud.




"Won't you even care to get up and move away from that filthy place?!".

"No!" I replied, "I don't want to. There's no point, something pathetic will happen to me again. I'm happy being here. At least some poor leopard family will get a week's meal."

Wait!
Why am I telling all that to a dreamy female voice?

Looking up, I saw a female hand extended towards me.
Another result of sleeplessness? I thought.

"Will you get up or not, stupid boy? I don't have all day with me here."

I held her hand and got up immediately. There is something in a strict female voice which makes you lose all your ego.

So she IS real after all, eh!

"Oh my! What a mess you've made of yourself?! And why the heck should you be here at this desolate place at this point of time?"

A scolding was the last thing my already pissed-off brain could have tolerated, that too from a girl.

"I can ask the second question to you too, miss. What are you, being alone, doing here, before the sunlight could even creep in? You came here to save me from the nature's wrath? Eh?"

"Yeah, that's what I came here for. Now would you mind getting out of this place or you want to wait for more wild animals to scare you?"

I didn't reply, just fell into step beside her and followed her out of that wild place. We didn't exchange a word. It was light by then, and now that I could see her more closely, I was awestruck. That, undoubtedly, was the most beautiful face I'd ever seen inside the IIT campus, and probably ever in my life. She was an inch shorter than me, and probably some two or three years older. Of course, she couldn't have been an undergrad there, or she would already have been the talk of the testosterone-charged undergraduate population, something which can hardly escape your ears if you are aware enough. She replied after some two minutes of silence.

"Hey, you're hurt! Here, take this bottle of water and wash your face and whatever else you can. I also have a first-aid kit with me. I keep it handy, whenever I move out for jogging."

She gave me the bottle and a band-aid from her bag.

"Thanks so much! Is someone in your family a Doctor, by the way?" I asked, after getting as much dirt out of my face and T-shirt as I could.

"No. Why?"

"Who on earth keeps a first-aid kit while going out for a casual jog?"

"Hehehe...I prefer being safe."

Somehow, her giggle irritated me more. Every damn thing was irritating.

"So, you're doing B.Tech? First year?"

"Integrated MS. First year, yeah."

"Won't you ask what I do, hero?"

She really was irritating. I'd have preferred being left alone, but then she helped me, and I couldn't have been rude.

"Ok, what do you do here, mademoiselle?"

"I've come here on a semester-long project in the Bio-School, starting from the next semester. I stay at a friend's place whose father is a professor here, so no problem of accommodation you see!"

I never asked her all those details. Hell, I'd caught up with one pesky female. I don't know why her being so beautiful was not affecting me a wee bit.

"Cool. So here comes the gate. You'll go the opposite side no? The professor's buildings are there."

"Nope, I'll go that side, towards the departments. I'm not tired yet, so! You're going that side too na? Good, I'll have some company. I'm usually alone while jogging, you know. Won't mind some company. Hehehe."

Damn!
And that giggle again. Killer. I was doomed.

After another round of silence, she finally broke in.

"So, something is troubling you from the inside, no? Tell me."

I looked at her, surprised.

"Chocolate?" She offered. I shook my head and walked on.

She unwrapped one and stuffed it into my hand. Females could be a thousand times more irritating than boys.

"So go on, tell me everything. What's the problem?"

Silence.

"HeLLO?"

Just keep on walking, and ignore her. She'll shut up automatically. I assured myself. That's the trick, Just keep on walking and be silent.

"Hello mister, I'm talking to you!" She poked my left arm with her over-grown nail.

I'd lost it then. I really had. Enough! I need solitude, and this is not helping me at all.

"What on EARTH is wrong with you? Okay, thanks for helping me and all, but I need SOLITUDE, do you get me? I have my MA-105 exam tomorrow and I haven't slept for the last two days and I got dumped four months ago by a girl whom I'd known for three years. And I'm GETTING IRRITATED BY EVERYTHING. Will you just LEAVE ME ALONE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? PLEASE?"

Ten odd IIT Bombay professors stopped whatever they were doing, and turned towards us, eyes fixed. Bull! I never intended to be so loud.
Plus, one thing which I hadn't noticed was how close I'd gone to her in my harangue. I could almost observe the contours of her lips.*gulp*

I'd expected her to be mad. I could guess what would've been going through her mind, at that time.
Just look at this guy! I helped him when he was in complete mess, I'm being nice to him and all, and he's shouting at me as if I'm some roadside slut. Why not just kick him at a wrong place for this act of his?

But unexpectedly, she didn't seem to be angry. The professors continued on their usual monotonous routine, and we proceeded out of the lake-side area. I tried looking at her, and she was looking at me. Quizzically, and not crossly as I'd expected. I kept on walking.

I looked at her again, and her expression was the same.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"Nothing. Your chocolate is melting. Eat it."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have shouted."

"It's ok, mister tormented_by_life. And you still haven't answered my question."

sigh

"Told you no, exams and all. Academic pressure, when all you've studied throughout the semester is Philosophy and Arms & Ammunition and Pakistani music history instead of MA-105."

"Ahh. As if this is something new for you, mister Chatterjee. You've been doing this all your life, studying just before your exams. Spare this, and tell me about what happened with the girl."

"How in the name of crazy apples do you know.......??"

"Tell me, quick. I don't have much time. I'll move in a different direction from the YP gate, and that's where we are headed to right now, I feel."

Holy crap! This can't be happening to me. Just. Can't.

"SPEAK UP!"

"The usual story, sort of. We had been good friends for some two years, and been together for a year. Then she went to a different place. She changed, I didn't. I became a loser for her, someone who only cribs and is not 'fun' to be with and stuff. She thought other guys there were a lot cooler than me, she thought she was naive to have even liked me in the first place. She wanted to enjoy life and all...so, you know, she said I should start minding my own business from then on. In brief, this is all I can say."

"Aww...that's sad. But it's four months, dude. Shouldn't this have been enough for you to forget her?"

"You say this because you've never been through what I have been. Saying is way too easy, miss."

"So you still love her or something?"

"NO! That would be the most stupid thing I could do. It's over, finished! Gone!"

"Then you hate her because she's been a bitch?"

"No. I don't hate her or anything. She was a nice girl, and she had her reasons, and they were valid enough for her. Why should she become a bitch for wanting to be happy? Naah...nothing like that."

"No love. No hate. Then what the hell is the problem with you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I just want her to...apologize or something. For whatever she's made me go through."

"So you'll continue to be pissed until she apologizes, and literally be a loser."

Silence again.

"Honestly, you know, I don't even want her to apologize." I was looking at her now, and twisted my lips into smile, before continuing. "C'mon! that's not a big thing. It's really stupid, expecting her to apologize when she doesn't care, for a doughnut's sake!"

"You've thought out everything rationally enough. You have enough sense to know what is right. You have convinced yourself that you're being stupid, and you want to move on. WHY THE HELL should you be tormented then, and have no life, my dear boy?"

I knew she was right. Hell, I knew I was right!

Really, why the heck should I be??

We walked silently for the next few minutes. YP was visible by now. I looked at her. She smiled, and I smiled back. Suddenly, I was feeling...free! No irritation. The early morning felt pleasing. The trees, sparrows, pigeons, everything was as nice as before! I was flushed with gratitude for her, really. Even though she hadn't done anything extraordinary, but she had done something which struck me exactly where it should have.

You haven't even asked her name, dumbass!

"Hey, what's your name? Funny that I didn't ask this before."

"I'm an angel."

"Hahahaha. What's your name?"

"Angels don't have names."

Bullshit!

"It's alright if you don't want to tell me. Doesn't matter."

"Okay, cool then. But I am an angel, believe me or not."

I could guess IIT had done something to her mental balance. Couldn't blame her, actually. It does the same to all of us. But her case was obviously a bit over-the-wire. Anyway, we had reached YP by that time.

"So, mister Chatterjee, I have to go now. My destination has a different direction from now on. You're a sweet guy, you know. And handsome too." She winked.

Oh my!

I blushed (c'mon, it was natural). She really was the most gorgeous female I had ever met, without doubt.

"Thanks so much, 'angel!' You've really done me a huge favour. Hope to meet you again, sometime."

"I do not. I only meet people when they are in trouble, you know!"

"Oh, cool then. Let's see if you can avoid me for the next few months. I know a semester-long project lasts for a full semester. Haha." I smirked.

She just smiled, in a 'poor you' way. And patted my back. And walked away towards the direction of the residential apartments. I stood there fixed for some time, confused, but then finally walked away, watching her slender figure disappear in the early morning fog.


~~~~~~~~~~


The next morning after the MA quiz, I was at the lakeside again, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I couldn't find her anywhere. I didn't see her ever again, even after many attempts to find her in the subsequent mornings. One day I actually went to the Bio-School and inquired about the students doing a semester-long project in the next semester.

There were none.

Dayamaxxx! Godmaxxxx! Infy craxxxx! Shucks.

I won't say that I've learned nothing in the first out of the total ten semesters of my stay at the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology Bombay (a.k.a. IITB a.k.a. insti a.k.a. "wo...Hiranandani ke saamne, jiske 2 gates hain...ek gate ke paas bus stop hai...haan wahi waala, IIT"), unarguably the best engineering college in India, by far, and one of the best in the world. I've learned the most important part that one learns in the first year...Yeah, I've learned the Godmaxxx IITB lingo! Can you beat that? Can you?

My tryst with an IIT lingo wasn't the first one, I'd known about a significant part of the IITKgp lingo (and the hopelessness of it) beforehand, courtesy some previous contacts with the institute.

I'll mention the "slangs", and my version of what it actually means, in the order of maximum usage, from the most used one to the least. Can't list all of 'em, of course, as they say they're a total of 133 slangs! I'll just mention the ones most unique and most commonly used. Yeah so, here we are...

1. dayaa (pronounced as दया), sometimes with more than two 'a's at the end, which can range from three to a thousand, depending on the intensity of the 'dayaa shout'. You can't be an undergrad in IITB and not hear this word being shouted, exclaimed, used as a sign of disgust, and wherever else it might fit in. Personally, I find this the most illogical and most unsophisticated word of the IITB lingo, and fortunately I haven't used this word even once, inspite of it being shouted around right, left and centre.
What does it mean, then? Dayaa actually means pity, but it's hardly ever used in the literal sense. It's actually a sign of disgust.
If you here Sambre shout "Dayaa yaar Kanitkar!", it means poor Kanitkar has done something which Sambre thinks is disgusted by.
If you hear students shouting "Dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" in a HS-101 class, it means without doubt that Prof. LM Bhole has crossed the limits of boring his students and they want him to stop IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
If you hear people shouting "Dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (notice the greater number of 'a's) during some performance, it means that the performance is as pathetic as it can get, and the students want it to stop or change IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
I guess that was enough about 'dayaa', and you got a fairly good idea of the usage of this part of the lingo. Moving on...

2. infyy (pronounced as in-fee), was originally, meant to be an acronym for infinite, for the folks found 'infinite' too long a word to pronounce. Or I should say too 'infyy' a word to pronounce. Bleh. Yeah so, 'infyy' fights with 'dayaa' at being the most used word of the lingo, many times both being used in collusion "infyy dayaamaxxx yaar!", and stuff. (The maxxx post-fix will be discussed at a later stage).
So what does infyy mean? Infyy actually has absolutely nothing to do with infinite. I repeat, absolutely nothing. Any goddamn thing, greater than one in number or quantity, is infyy. Yeah, right. You see someone eating two eggs, and you say 'infyy ande khaata hai yaar', You see someone coming back after a rigorous game of table tennis, and you exclaim 'infyy TT khelke aaya hai, is baar inter-IIT pakka!' Someone doing regular mugging, and you comprehend it as 'infyy mugging.' You see, we at IITB believe in being flexible in our lingo, so that we can use anything, anywhere. We hate hindrances, yeah. Enough of 'infyy' now, or I should say "infyy infyy ho gaya," lol! So moving on again...

3. fart (pronounced as fart itself, whatever, just for the sake of symmetry), is the part of the IITB lingo which I actually don't dislike. Mainly because it can be used as a substitute for the eff word, which is quite an achievement I tell you. 'What the fuck!' can now be substituted as 'Kya fart hai!', and I feel the second one has more universal acceptance, at least from the decency point of view. And needless to say, fart has nothing to do with the literal meaning, ahem, though both the roots are somewhat related. I'd rather not go into the details.
So fart actually means big-time bullshit, or anything which might irritate you. 'fart mat machaa yaar' means the speaker wants you to stop your bullshit IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT. 'kya fart hai' is, as I already mentioned, 'what bullshit is this?'. 'abey aaj ka paper fart gaya yaar!', means the paper was big-time bullshit for the person concerned. So that's it about 'fart' I guess.

4. junta! (pronounced as jun-taa), means, well, people more than one in number. That's it. When you shout 'JUNTAA come to the footer ground', you mean all of 'em, whatever work they might be engaged in, to leave all of their work and come to the footer ground, mainly to watch people breaking their legs and hands and getting groin injuries. Junta comes in synchrony with neta, which means any general volunteer, for anything ranging from mess secys to mood-I CGs.

5. pain, which has, again, little to do with the literal meaning, means something which actually doesn't seem to have any apparent roots. Mostly used as 'pain maarna'...'infy pain maar raha hai', means something or someone is making you feel uncomfortable, or 'in pain.' That's like the only usage I think, other than the alternate 'kaafi pain ho gaya', which is somewhat closer to the literal meaning.

6. arbit, meant to be an acronym for 'arbitrary' (pronunciation problems again), is actually used in a really flexible sense. As an acronym for arbit, 'abey last bench pe arbit comedy chal rahi thi', and as something/someone that is weird/strange/not the way it should be, 'wo banda din bhar koi arbit kaam karte reht hai, thoda hila hua hai uska', 'arbit' is used in both ways.

7. give-up, used in the sense 'give up hai tera' or 'give up maar de', meaning good for nothing and actually giving up in the real sense respectively ie. 'chhod na yaar'. Give up can mean what it's supposed to, or at times it can have the same meaning as 'fart' in the sense of something that’s bad/avoidable., 'that’s a total give up movie'. It’s also used as an expression of defeat, when one realizes that one is facing impossible odds. In short, you can use it anywhere. Even bihari uses it, and used it correctly. You can understand, now.

8. scope, or having a scope, is actually used in the sarcastic sense meaning 'having no scope'. 'scope hai yaar tera to...' means you've done something really really dumb and you "have" a lot of scope for that work ahead. One of the other slangs which I like, coz there apparently is some good logic behind it. Plus it leaves the other guy who has no knowledge of the lingo guessing. :D

9. and finally, the postfix maxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (more the number of 'x's, greater is the effect), which can actually be used after any word and means loads of anything. scopemaxxxx, dayamaxxxx, godmaxxx (which Ketav used for me when my program for the CS project finally compiled properly...but then that's another story), infyscopemaxxx, infygodmaxx........ok I'm getting carried away now. So it's better to...shut upmaxxx, lol!

~Peace!

Give me!

Someone give me time, patience, and a laptop. So that I can update my blog, yeah. Infact I just did that. Maybe. :|

I suck. Maybe.

Maybe?

Karthik C.S.: ANUPAM!

Me: WHAT?

Karthik C.S.: I have some views about you.

Me: Like, what?

Karthik C.S.: I think you're the "maybe" guy. I've been noticing your replies.

Me: Is that somethine your IMO brain tells you? Haan? Ahan?

Karthik C.S.: Maybe, you're right.

Me: Yeah? Now who's the "maybe" guy dude?

Karthik C.S.: You!

Me: Yeah, maybe. Sigh.


Life is a maybe. Shit, when will I get a life? And do something productive?
GIVE ME, an answer. Pleej? :)

IIT. Big thing? Yes. No.

So I am finally getting in the prestigious, excellent, heavenly, "add another awesome adjective here" IIT-Bombay. And I got science too, those teenage dreams of studying science seem to be coming true too. Maybe there's a shift of interests from Physics to Chemistry, but then I've seen many mighty warriors pwned by those quantum mechanical mumbo-jumbo which, dreadfully so, makes them realize that pure Physics is not just Mechanics and basic Thermodynamics. In that sense, Chemistry seems a lot safer for me; it is evident by the fact that I opted for chemistry when I could have got pure Physics anywhere.

Yeah so, am I feeling heavenly? Not really. Not at all, actually. It's been three long years since I dreamed of getting through JEE. Not aware of the reality then, IIT seemed something out-of-the-world, where over-intelligent alienated humans prevailed and ruled over the less-fortunate engineering junta in other institutions. Now, it really feels like just-another-college. Okay, maybe a lot better than just-another-college, but surely nothing close to being heavenly.

Face it people, IIT is not a big thing today. I mean, anyone taking as obscure a branch as architecture in as obscure a place as Kharagpur has the "privilege" of being called an IITian. So what's the big deal? There are a few odd thousands of students in colleges like BITS and IIIT-Hyderabad better than those 5-6-7000 rankers in IITs.

And it's not only about the low rankers; thankfully because of the awesome Kota system, dickheads who know nothing about the environment around them, who've spent more than two years of their life in those dingy classrooms cramming up stuff, get a good rank and a good branch. What's their aim in life? Ek baar IIT mein ghus jaao yaar, fir to masti hi karni hai. Balls. You bastard, IIT does not want people who think JEE is an end. JEE is just a beginning. But hardly does anyone realize it. And those school-education-impaired teachers who teach them in coaching classes don't help anyone either. I mean, how can you just give away two years of your school life! And that too two crucial years of 11th and 12th, when your brain actually learns the most about the world around!

A decade ago, yes, IIT was actually a heavenly place to be. People did cram and get in in those times too, but the percentage was not as much as it has become now. And ofcourse there were a lot lesser seats, precisely half of what is now. And the subjective pattern did test a lot more of inherent intelligence than the current objctive pattern. Today, more than half of the students in IITs are from those Kota classrooms! And the rest aren't great either. Cool people from Bombay-Delhi and other big cities rule too. Late night booze parties and other high-society-city-life stuff are happily introduced by them, and getting drunk is no longer a wrong this to do. Dad's having loads of cash, son/daughter in an IIT. Nothing to worry about in the world. Others can go get a life.

There is the third category too, consisting of genuinely intelligent students. Most of the Bhilai students are like that, I feel. Monseigneur Shashank S. Dwivedi being the prime example. That's why I used to think, when in 11th, that most people in IITs are like our Bhilai heroes. Alas, I now realize that they actually are in a very insignificant minority. But still, the condition in IITB is a lot better than places like Kgp and Roorkee, which needless to say are pathetic places to be, from the "intellectual" quality of students and prevalent college culture point of view, however good their infrastructure and faculty might be.

But enough said and done, IITB is still the best tech college in the country. Period. So bas aage aage dekho, hota hai kya. Just hoping for the best. :)