I believe not that you don't exist,
Though they perpetually say so.
They say it ain't possible, for you to be perfect.
But then you're so perfect, in those occult dreams of mine.
And I have them each time, and you're there, just the same.
You make me feel so great, it ain't possible to explain.
It maybe just your aura, or it is just your speech.
You're ever so beautiful, more from the inside than out.
I feel drunk, doped, insane, yet serene,
You just need to be there, just need to smile.
There's that childish innocence etched into you,
But you're as mature as any other being.
When you speak, planets cease to revolve,
Time stops, and there's nothing but your voice,
Echoing through thin air, enchanting everyone alive...
I know that you exist, for all that is so real.
I know you're no angel, I don't believe in angels.
You're a mortal, born out of your mother's womb,
As any other being, but you're ever so unique,
There's none like you, coz you are impeccable.
Yes, you are, and you'll come out of those dreams,
And kiss me so tender, there won't be night or day.
What would be is just me, you, and those butterflies,
Fluttering around and flapping their wings,
And creating typhoons in a far-flung universe...
~ 27th of December, 2009. 5:10 AM to 5:24 AM.
Fourteen minutes of joblessness.
Forty eight hours of sleeplessness.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Me, and not Them
I see, I analyze, I decide, I conclude.
About me, about others, my life, their lives. I've never really liked myself, never much hated too. But life for me, at any point, has never been a complete bed of roses
I segregate this part of me into a portion I call a 'Psychological mumbo-jumbo.' Comes like, once a week or something. But it does come, and so it has come.
I fear analyzing myself, even though I love it. It gives me infinite possibilites to think, and my brain loves activity. An activity which I know will mostly end up in a result, which might be correct or otherwise.
I fear it because I know that somewhere down in those dark galleries lives a me I don't want to be. A me of lies, deceit, hatred and fear. A me who is obssesed with myself, my ideals, my decisions. I've wronged many and many have wronged me. I fear going through everything all over again. It hurts me, and I cry. Doesn't mean that I'll shed tears, I've learned how to cry without shedding tears. But I cry nevertheless.
I am stupidly emotional. I have always been like this. There is no reason for it. I hate this part of myself. I feel I'm not 'man' enough. Who on earth cries when he sees Gandhi walking semi-naked through the streets of Dandi? Who cries when he sees Ganguly hitting an awesomely elegant century and silencing all his critics? Hell! who cries when a new-born puppy snuggles up with his mother to cut out the cold? I do, because it doesn't stop at just that for me. I think about it further. I relate it to the past, something which did affect me once. And I cry, and this is a ritual. I'm not saying that I love it. I hate being different. From the inside, I hate being different. I'd rather be normal, with all those normal means of fun one has, without those infinite fixations. Without worrying much about the world. Ignorance is certainly a bliss.
I do not like being alone. But I have to. Because I can't be with someone who can't make me feel good. There's no point. That's the problem with me. I search for "points." Someone rightly said, "You're so mechanical, Anupam!" I can't agree more with her. If I can't get my "points" by doing something I don't do it. I am that pathetic perfectionist you watched in sci-fi movies. I even search for perfection in imperfection. It's terrible.
Have you ever experienced strong spasms within yourself? Have you ever found that one shoulder missing from your vicinity, the shoulder which always exists in your dreams, to support you? There is a beginning to happiness, but there is no end to sorrow. Those are the times when you feel that you're the biggest loser ever. And you justify yourself being that. Your mechanical brain tells you that you're a loser, and you can't defy your mechanical brain just because it has given you your "points" to prove that you are a loser. You hang your head low, grounded by failure. There is a faint light at the end of the tunnel and you don't have the speed to reach it before it vanishes.
I know that I think too much for an eighteen year old boy. There's going to be no positive out of it. There is never a positive out of sorrow, whatever they might say in those proverbs. I've seen it, I've experienced it. You just need to learn to be happy. Just mug up ways to be happy, and apply them. There's no concept here, no logic, no mechanical "points." You don't need to be an IITian to be happy. I'm still applying those ways. And they're not my darling "points." I'm happy, but I've lost this battle with myself. I can only try hard and save my identity, because I know it makes me me, and not them.
I'm still me.
About me, about others, my life, their lives. I've never really liked myself, never much hated too. But life for me, at any point, has never been a complete bed of roses
I segregate this part of me into a portion I call a 'Psychological mumbo-jumbo.' Comes like, once a week or something. But it does come, and so it has come.
I fear analyzing myself, even though I love it. It gives me infinite possibilites to think, and my brain loves activity. An activity which I know will mostly end up in a result, which might be correct or otherwise.
I fear it because I know that somewhere down in those dark galleries lives a me I don't want to be. A me of lies, deceit, hatred and fear. A me who is obssesed with myself, my ideals, my decisions. I've wronged many and many have wronged me. I fear going through everything all over again. It hurts me, and I cry. Doesn't mean that I'll shed tears, I've learned how to cry without shedding tears. But I cry nevertheless.
I am stupidly emotional. I have always been like this. There is no reason for it. I hate this part of myself. I feel I'm not 'man' enough. Who on earth cries when he sees Gandhi walking semi-naked through the streets of Dandi? Who cries when he sees Ganguly hitting an awesomely elegant century and silencing all his critics? Hell! who cries when a new-born puppy snuggles up with his mother to cut out the cold? I do, because it doesn't stop at just that for me. I think about it further. I relate it to the past, something which did affect me once. And I cry, and this is a ritual. I'm not saying that I love it. I hate being different. From the inside, I hate being different. I'd rather be normal, with all those normal means of fun one has, without those infinite fixations. Without worrying much about the world. Ignorance is certainly a bliss.
I do not like being alone. But I have to. Because I can't be with someone who can't make me feel good. There's no point. That's the problem with me. I search for "points." Someone rightly said, "You're so mechanical, Anupam!" I can't agree more with her. If I can't get my "points" by doing something I don't do it. I am that pathetic perfectionist you watched in sci-fi movies. I even search for perfection in imperfection. It's terrible.
Have you ever experienced strong spasms within yourself? Have you ever found that one shoulder missing from your vicinity, the shoulder which always exists in your dreams, to support you? There is a beginning to happiness, but there is no end to sorrow. Those are the times when you feel that you're the biggest loser ever. And you justify yourself being that. Your mechanical brain tells you that you're a loser, and you can't defy your mechanical brain just because it has given you your "points" to prove that you are a loser. You hang your head low, grounded by failure. There is a faint light at the end of the tunnel and you don't have the speed to reach it before it vanishes.
I know that I think too much for an eighteen year old boy. There's going to be no positive out of it. There is never a positive out of sorrow, whatever they might say in those proverbs. I've seen it, I've experienced it. You just need to learn to be happy. Just mug up ways to be happy, and apply them. There's no concept here, no logic, no mechanical "points." You don't need to be an IITian to be happy. I'm still applying those ways. And they're not my darling "points." I'm happy, but I've lost this battle with myself. I can only try hard and save my identity, because I know it makes me me, and not them.
I'm still me.
Friday, December 11, 2009
The Three Mistakes of My Day
It all started when, after one full week of looking like a bonobo, I finally decided to shave off my beard and be a human once again. For a change. At times, not having a girlfriend makes you care shit about your appearance. Don't know if it was the effect of being horrified by an eight-feet long poisonous snake early in the morning languishing outside my room, which might have shot my mind somewhere. Who can forget Himanshu's petrified cries of "Abey! Saanp hai wing mein! Aath feet lamba! Jaldi aa! Jaldi aa!", waking me up from a meagre two and a half hours of mosquito-ridden sleep.
Anyway, I lazied off to the basin area with my shaving kit. I didn't put on a tee and just hoped Arpan won't hop out of his room with his "Hey, sexy!" remarks and that coquettish smile. Thankfully Arpan was busy staring at the pics of his self-proclaimed "queen of the campus." Frankly speaking I didn't find her even close to being the queen of anything. Except maybe the queen of not having, ahem, some elementary things.
Then came the first mistake of the day, which was not looking at your effing watch when you have one at a distance of 28.5 cm from your eyes. The 8:30 A.M. MA-105 lecture was, of course, supposed to be bunked that day, because apparently UK's nonchalant cries of "Green! Stoke! Divergence! Attendance! Sudesh (yeah right)!" were not something one would love to start one's day with. Except of course, some dickheads for whom not sitting on the first row was as good as not attending the class itself. I mean, c'mon, you know math and all, okay, you were in the IMO camp, excellent. But why the heck should you use so many "Yeah! YEAH! yEAH! and yEAh!"s in your speech for no apparent reason other than shooting some random bull? Bloody Ghatis (no offense meant, believe me or not). You know English, but why show off? So MUCH? Dumbfucks.
Yeah so, coming back to the basin area (I'm suddenly reminded of 8th standard Geography here. Strange), I finally cared to stare at my watch, and it was 10:25! Goddamn hell! Sunoj's CH-103 lecture at 10:30!! Couldn't miss it that day at any cost. I'd already missed the last lecture and had to attend this one, because Sunoj's uploaded slides contained absolutely nothing of importance. I mean, who on earth wanted to know how to draw arrows from one compound to the other for chrissake? "Arrows are one of the most important things in Organic Chemistry", declared professor R.B. Sunoj, one fine morning. Yeah, definitely. That's what is most important. Rat's ass.
And I so wanted to shave properly that day, I swear! But then, "Life's not always fair, my child," I echoed those pravachans of Deepak Phatak in my ears and finished shaving in a record three and a half minutes. And cut myself under the lower lip. Putting as much of my lower lip inside my mouth as possible I palpitated back to the room. I checked for Himanshu et al in the nearby rooms, and they were all gone. Bloody bastards, I have got one sadist bunch of batch-mates with me, I tell you. Couldn't at least one of them wait for poor me? Screw 'em all.
I put on the only set of washed clothes I still had remaining and any random deodorant I could lay my hands on. Yes, I do sweat a lot. As always, no rickshaw or bus when you need one. Having a bicycle in IITB is a waste anyway, the place is so hilly that you'll have to pull your cycle half the time, rather than the other way round. Finally I reached the lecture theatre, tired and panting. And it was at that very moment timed 10:53 A.M. that I committed the second mistake of the day, entering LT through the front door when the back door would have been a lot less attention seeking. I entered to be welcomed with a guffaw and chants of "aa gaye hero! aa gaye! aa gaye!" by those lifeless rascals who just en-cashed on any goddamn opportunity to create a ruckus during the lecture. And then came, as expected, Sunoj with his uber-pathetic attempts to sarcasm, "Welcome! Welcome to CH-103! Look at the clock, my boy, there. Only thirty minutes late. Now that's not a big deal. Sit, sit. Enjoy yourself. I don't give marks for attendance anyway." I was about to defend myself and correct him by reminding that I was twenty five, not thirty minutes late. But some good sense warned me from doing so. I fumbled on the first empty seat I could lay my ass on, flustered to perfection. There went the next thirty minutes of my attention as well. I could as well have bunked the lecture and slept pretty, minus the embarrassment. Fuck.
Coming back to the hostel, lunch was pathetic. Monday lunches. I skipped, coz I didn't have an appetite for the canteen stuff either. And then I entered room no. 290. Arpan's laptop fortunately wasn't busy with Karthik sitting crooked and staring at the screen for no apparent reason whatsoever, which is the usual case, and I started doing some random shit online. And then at 4:55 there came Ketava Mehta's call, which reminded me of the third mistake of the day, not sleeping even when you're dead sleepy and doing random bull on the internet instead. Monseigneur Ketava reminded me of the NSO swimming endurance test, which was to start in another FREAKING HALF AN HOUR, and which involved swimming continuously for one hour, without stopping anywhere. The only problem with me was that I had hardly slept the entire night, plus I'd wasted the afternoon doing, as I mentioned earlier, some random shit online, without sleeping for a second, and that I felt I would be DEAD if anyone made me swim for fifteen minutes. One freaking hour. I was so dead.
Seven thirty and I was back after the endurance test, swimming a decent 1.6 kms without a single stop. And I was alive. Just that I felt like a complete lunatic. The same feeling one would have after gulping down two quarters of neat Smirnoff. And I was hungry. And sleepy. Actually, dead hungry and dead sleepy. Being more of the sleeping kind, I just fell on my bed. Damn! I actually fell on Patil, who was already sleeping there, on MY bed under MY bedsheet. I just hoped he didn't mind much. You're in for some serious problems if your roomie suspects that you have a thing for him. Anyway, I remember shooting him some bull as an explanation towards my strange behaviour, and pleading him to sleep somewhere else. He agreed immediately, and I slept my heart out. Patil is a nice roomie. A really nice roomie.
Anyway, I lazied off to the basin area with my shaving kit. I didn't put on a tee and just hoped Arpan won't hop out of his room with his "Hey, sexy!" remarks and that coquettish smile. Thankfully Arpan was busy staring at the pics of his self-proclaimed "queen of the campus." Frankly speaking I didn't find her even close to being the queen of anything. Except maybe the queen of not having, ahem, some elementary things.
Then came the first mistake of the day, which was not looking at your effing watch when you have one at a distance of 28.5 cm from your eyes. The 8:30 A.M. MA-105 lecture was, of course, supposed to be bunked that day, because apparently UK's nonchalant cries of "Green! Stoke! Divergence! Attendance! Sudesh (yeah right)!" were not something one would love to start one's day with. Except of course, some dickheads for whom not sitting on the first row was as good as not attending the class itself. I mean, c'mon, you know math and all, okay, you were in the IMO camp, excellent. But why the heck should you use so many "Yeah! YEAH! yEAH! and yEAh!"s in your speech for no apparent reason other than shooting some random bull? Bloody Ghatis (no offense meant, believe me or not). You know English, but why show off? So MUCH? Dumbfucks.
Yeah so, coming back to the basin area (I'm suddenly reminded of 8th standard Geography here. Strange), I finally cared to stare at my watch, and it was 10:25! Goddamn hell! Sunoj's CH-103 lecture at 10:30!! Couldn't miss it that day at any cost. I'd already missed the last lecture and had to attend this one, because Sunoj's uploaded slides contained absolutely nothing of importance. I mean, who on earth wanted to know how to draw arrows from one compound to the other for chrissake? "Arrows are one of the most important things in Organic Chemistry", declared professor R.B. Sunoj, one fine morning. Yeah, definitely. That's what is most important. Rat's ass.
And I so wanted to shave properly that day, I swear! But then, "Life's not always fair, my child," I echoed those pravachans of Deepak Phatak in my ears and finished shaving in a record three and a half minutes. And cut myself under the lower lip. Putting as much of my lower lip inside my mouth as possible I palpitated back to the room. I checked for Himanshu et al in the nearby rooms, and they were all gone. Bloody bastards, I have got one sadist bunch of batch-mates with me, I tell you. Couldn't at least one of them wait for poor me? Screw 'em all.
I put on the only set of washed clothes I still had remaining and any random deodorant I could lay my hands on. Yes, I do sweat a lot. As always, no rickshaw or bus when you need one. Having a bicycle in IITB is a waste anyway, the place is so hilly that you'll have to pull your cycle half the time, rather than the other way round. Finally I reached the lecture theatre, tired and panting. And it was at that very moment timed 10:53 A.M. that I committed the second mistake of the day, entering LT through the front door when the back door would have been a lot less attention seeking. I entered to be welcomed with a guffaw and chants of "aa gaye hero! aa gaye! aa gaye!" by those lifeless rascals who just en-cashed on any goddamn opportunity to create a ruckus during the lecture. And then came, as expected, Sunoj with his uber-pathetic attempts to sarcasm, "Welcome! Welcome to CH-103! Look at the clock, my boy, there. Only thirty minutes late. Now that's not a big deal. Sit, sit. Enjoy yourself. I don't give marks for attendance anyway." I was about to defend myself and correct him by reminding that I was twenty five, not thirty minutes late. But some good sense warned me from doing so. I fumbled on the first empty seat I could lay my ass on, flustered to perfection. There went the next thirty minutes of my attention as well. I could as well have bunked the lecture and slept pretty, minus the embarrassment. Fuck.
Coming back to the hostel, lunch was pathetic. Monday lunches. I skipped, coz I didn't have an appetite for the canteen stuff either. And then I entered room no. 290. Arpan's laptop fortunately wasn't busy with Karthik sitting crooked and staring at the screen for no apparent reason whatsoever, which is the usual case, and I started doing some random shit online. And then at 4:55 there came Ketava Mehta's call, which reminded me of the third mistake of the day, not sleeping even when you're dead sleepy and doing random bull on the internet instead. Monseigneur Ketava reminded me of the NSO swimming endurance test, which was to start in another FREAKING HALF AN HOUR, and which involved swimming continuously for one hour, without stopping anywhere. The only problem with me was that I had hardly slept the entire night, plus I'd wasted the afternoon doing, as I mentioned earlier, some random shit online, without sleeping for a second, and that I felt I would be DEAD if anyone made me swim for fifteen minutes. One freaking hour. I was so dead.
Seven thirty and I was back after the endurance test, swimming a decent 1.6 kms without a single stop. And I was alive. Just that I felt like a complete lunatic. The same feeling one would have after gulping down two quarters of neat Smirnoff. And I was hungry. And sleepy. Actually, dead hungry and dead sleepy. Being more of the sleeping kind, I just fell on my bed. Damn! I actually fell on Patil, who was already sleeping there, on MY bed under MY bedsheet. I just hoped he didn't mind much. You're in for some serious problems if your roomie suspects that you have a thing for him. Anyway, I remember shooting him some bull as an explanation towards my strange behaviour, and pleading him to sleep somewhere else. He agreed immediately, and I slept my heart out. Patil is a nice roomie. A really nice roomie.
Épée!
Who be he? Who be he?
He takes our breath away!
Who be he? Who be he?
I have nothing to say!
The mystery man, our saviour,
He set all of us free...
Oh no! He is...oh yeah, he is...
The onliest Épée!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Part II: The Encounter. The Beginning.
You cannot get unluckier than this. You just, cannot. Consider my case, that Saturday night. This was the chain of events:
1. I had my MA-105 end-sem on Monday, and I had more than half of the course left. Talk about hating pure Math.
2. I was there all night, mugging as much I can in GG (Girish Gaitonde lecture hall in the electrical department, for the ignorant lot), and half of what I was reading wasn't going into my head, courtesy of almost two days of sleeplessness.
3. It was 5:45 AM, I was all alone, and was watching the sun rise, yet again for the fifteenth day in a row. The croaking of the innumerable crows outside were making it further difficult for me to concentrate, and I finally decided to go out and have a stroll.
4. No, sleeping was not an option. AT ALL. Do not direct your thoughts in that direction.
5. Out of the many places I could have gone to, I chose the lakeside. Finally some nice, serene place with no disturbance and perfect solitude, I thought.
6. And for the seven million and forty seventh time in my life, I was wrong. Lakeside was buzzing with angry-looking professors, some of them jogging around and some others trying to ape Baba Ramdev.
7. I also noticed Pooja Padhi (our HS-101 Microeconomics Professor) calling out for someone and giving me a disgruntled look. Talk about having a bad start for the day. I wondered how she even remembered my face...I'd hardly attended even 20% of her classes in the whole semester.
8. Pissed, I started moving further down the path which actually leads to the lake, and to the denser tree cover, in the hope of getting some solitude. Everyone other than myself was a piss-off at that point of time. Sleeplessness makes you get irritated quickly and for no reason.
9. I knew there were rumours of leopards roaming around at that part of the lakeside, and it still was quite dark, for there isn't proper sunlight before 6:45 AM in Bombay during winters. I hardly cared. I actually wished I found a leopard or something, for a change. My life was hell boring anyway.
10. Thankfully there was no one there. Apparently Ramdev hadn't taught the professors some exercise to shoo away leopards. I caught a strange glistening insect lingering on a small leaf some way down the side of the lake. I couldn't resist myself and went ahead to have a look.
11. Something happened just then...It wasn't a leopard as I'd anticipated, but was something surely no less dangerous than one, in terms of fatality. A long, brown snake came out right in front of me, from nowhere! It freaked the senses out of me, and as I turned back to run, it was a SLIP! SPLOSH! THUD!, and I was down and out. I looked around to check out the snake, thankfully it wasn't there now. But it surely booked my brand new Benetton T-Shirt for another round to the washing room, plus led to incessant bleeding in my right elbow. Now you know why you can't get unluckier than this, your MA-105 exam being just a little more than 24 hours away. For the next few minutes, I didn't even have the strength to get up. Something inside me wanted me to spend the next few hours lying stomach-down, cursing that unlucky day of January 1991 when the biggest loser ever was born, and tasting some more of the lakeside mud.
"Won't you even care to get up and move away from that filthy place?!".
"No!" I replied, "I don't want to. There's no point, something pathetic will happen to me again. I'm happy being here. At least some poor leopard family will get a week's meal."
Wait!
Why am I telling all that to a dreamy female voice?
Looking up, I saw a female hand extended towards me.
Another result of sleeplessness? I thought.
"Will you get up or not, stupid boy? I don't have all day with me here."
I held her hand and got up immediately. There is something in a strict female voice which makes you lose all your ego.
So she IS real after all, eh!
"Oh my! What a mess you've made of yourself?! And why the heck should you be here at this desolate place at this point of time?"
A scolding was the last thing my already pissed-off brain could have tolerated, that too from a girl.
"I can ask the second question to you too, miss. What are you, being alone, doing here, before the sunlight could even creep in? You came here to save me from the nature's wrath? Eh?"
"Yeah, that's what I came here for. Now would you mind getting out of this place or you want to wait for more wild animals to scare you?"
I didn't reply, just fell into step beside her and followed her out of that wild place. We didn't exchange a word. It was light by then, and now that I could see her more closely, I was awestruck. That, undoubtedly, was the most beautiful face I'd ever seen inside the IIT campus, and probably ever in my life. She was an inch shorter than me, and probably some two or three years older. Of course, she couldn't have been an undergrad there, or she would already have been the talk of the testosterone-charged undergraduate population, something which can hardly escape your ears if you are aware enough. She replied after some two minutes of silence.
"Hey, you're hurt! Here, take this bottle of water and wash your face and whatever else you can. I also have a first-aid kit with me. I keep it handy, whenever I move out for jogging."
She gave me the bottle and a band-aid from her bag.
"Thanks so much! Is someone in your family a Doctor, by the way?" I asked, after getting as much dirt out of my face and T-shirt as I could.
"No. Why?"
"Who on earth keeps a first-aid kit while going out for a casual jog?"
"Hehehe...I prefer being safe."
Somehow, her giggle irritated me more. Every damn thing was irritating.
"So, you're doing B.Tech? First year?"
"Integrated MS. First year, yeah."
"Won't you ask what I do, hero?"
She really was irritating. I'd have preferred being left alone, but then she helped me, and I couldn't have been rude.
"Ok, what do you do here, mademoiselle?"
"I've come here on a semester-long project in the Bio-School, starting from the next semester. I stay at a friend's place whose father is a professor here, so no problem of accommodation you see!"
I never asked her all those details. Hell, I'd caught up with one pesky female. I don't know why her being so beautiful was not affecting me a wee bit.
"Cool. So here comes the gate. You'll go the opposite side no? The professor's buildings are there."
"Nope, I'll go that side, towards the departments. I'm not tired yet, so! You're going that side too na? Good, I'll have some company. I'm usually alone while jogging, you know. Won't mind some company. Hehehe."
Damn!
And that giggle again. Killer. I was doomed.
After another round of silence, she finally broke in.
"So, something is troubling you from the inside, no? Tell me."
I looked at her, surprised.
"Chocolate?" She offered. I shook my head and walked on.
She unwrapped one and stuffed it into my hand. Females could be a thousand times more irritating than boys.
"So go on, tell me everything. What's the problem?"
Silence.
"HeLLO?"
Just keep on walking, and ignore her. She'll shut up automatically. I assured myself. That's the trick, Just keep on walking and be silent.
"Hello mister, I'm talking to you!" She poked my left arm with her over-grown nail.
I'd lost it then. I really had. Enough! I need solitude, and this is not helping me at all.
"What on EARTH is wrong with you? Okay, thanks for helping me and all, but I need SOLITUDE, do you get me? I have my MA-105 exam tomorrow and I haven't slept for the last two days and I got dumped four months ago by a girl whom I'd known for three years. And I'm GETTING IRRITATED BY EVERYTHING. Will you just LEAVE ME ALONE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? PLEASE?"
Ten odd IIT Bombay professors stopped whatever they were doing, and turned towards us, eyes fixed. Bull! I never intended to be so loud.
Plus, one thing which I hadn't noticed was how close I'd gone to her in my harangue. I could almost observe the contours of her lips.*gulp*
I'd expected her to be mad. I could guess what would've been going through her mind, at that time.
Just look at this guy! I helped him when he was in complete mess, I'm being nice to him and all, and he's shouting at me as if I'm some roadside slut. Why not just kick him at a wrong place for this act of his?
But unexpectedly, she didn't seem to be angry. The professors continued on their usual monotonous routine, and we proceeded out of the lake-side area. I tried looking at her, and she was looking at me. Quizzically, and not crossly as I'd expected. I kept on walking.
I looked at her again, and her expression was the same.
"What?" I asked defensively.
"Nothing. Your chocolate is melting. Eat it."
"Sorry, I shouldn't have shouted."
"It's ok, mister tormented_by_life. And you still haven't answered my question."
sigh
"Told you no, exams and all. Academic pressure, when all you've studied throughout the semester is Philosophy and Arms & Ammunition and Pakistani music history instead of MA-105."
"Ahh. As if this is something new for you, mister Chatterjee. You've been doing this all your life, studying just before your exams. Spare this, and tell me about what happened with the girl."
"How in the name of crazy apples do you know.......??"
"Tell me, quick. I don't have much time. I'll move in a different direction from the YP gate, and that's where we are headed to right now, I feel."
Holy crap! This can't be happening to me. Just. Can't.
"SPEAK UP!"
"The usual story, sort of. We had been good friends for some two years, and been together for a year. Then she went to a different place. She changed, I didn't. I became a loser for her, someone who only cribs and is not 'fun' to be with and stuff. She thought other guys there were a lot cooler than me, she thought she was naive to have even liked me in the first place. She wanted to enjoy life and all...so, you know, she said I should start minding my own business from then on. In brief, this is all I can say."
"Aww...that's sad. But it's four months, dude. Shouldn't this have been enough for you to forget her?"
"You say this because you've never been through what I have been. Saying is way too easy, miss."
"So you still love her or something?"
"NO! That would be the most stupid thing I could do. It's over, finished! Gone!"
"Then you hate her because she's been a bitch?"
"No. I don't hate her or anything. She was a nice girl, and she had her reasons, and they were valid enough for her. Why should she become a bitch for wanting to be happy? Naah...nothing like that."
"No love. No hate. Then what the hell is the problem with you?"
"I don't know. Maybe I just want her to...apologize or something. For whatever she's made me go through."
"So you'll continue to be pissed until she apologizes, and literally be a loser."
Silence again.
"Honestly, you know, I don't even want her to apologize." I was looking at her now, and twisted my lips into smile, before continuing. "C'mon! that's not a big thing. It's really stupid, expecting her to apologize when she doesn't care, for a doughnut's sake!"
"You've thought out everything rationally enough. You have enough sense to know what is right. You have convinced yourself that you're being stupid, and you want to move on. WHY THE HELL should you be tormented then, and have no life, my dear boy?"
I knew she was right. Hell, I knew I was right!
Really, why the heck should I be??
We walked silently for the next few minutes. YP was visible by now. I looked at her. She smiled, and I smiled back. Suddenly, I was feeling...free! No irritation. The early morning felt pleasing. The trees, sparrows, pigeons, everything was as nice as before! I was flushed with gratitude for her, really. Even though she hadn't done anything extraordinary, but she had done something which struck me exactly where it should have.
You haven't even asked her name, dumbass!
"Hey, what's your name? Funny that I didn't ask this before."
"I'm an angel."
"Hahahaha. What's your name?"
"Angels don't have names."
Bullshit!
"It's alright if you don't want to tell me. Doesn't matter."
"Okay, cool then. But I am an angel, believe me or not."
I could guess IIT had done something to her mental balance. Couldn't blame her, actually. It does the same to all of us. But her case was obviously a bit over-the-wire. Anyway, we had reached YP by that time.
"So, mister Chatterjee, I have to go now. My destination has a different direction from now on. You're a sweet guy, you know. And handsome too." She winked.
Oh my!
I blushed (c'mon, it was natural). She really was the most gorgeous female I had ever met, without doubt.
"Thanks so much, 'angel!' You've really done me a huge favour. Hope to meet you again, sometime."
"I do not. I only meet people when they are in trouble, you know!"
"Oh, cool then. Let's see if you can avoid me for the next few months. I know a semester-long project lasts for a full semester. Haha." I smirked.
She just smiled, in a 'poor you' way. And patted my back. And walked away towards the direction of the residential apartments. I stood there fixed for some time, confused, but then finally walked away, watching her slender figure disappear in the early morning fog.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning after the MA quiz, I was at the lakeside again, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I couldn't find her anywhere. I didn't see her ever again, even after many attempts to find her in the subsequent mornings. One day I actually went to the Bio-School and inquired about the students doing a semester-long project in the next semester.
There were none.
1. I had my MA-105 end-sem on Monday, and I had more than half of the course left. Talk about hating pure Math.
2. I was there all night, mugging as much I can in GG (Girish Gaitonde lecture hall in the electrical department, for the ignorant lot), and half of what I was reading wasn't going into my head, courtesy of almost two days of sleeplessness.
3. It was 5:45 AM, I was all alone, and was watching the sun rise, yet again for the fifteenth day in a row. The croaking of the innumerable crows outside were making it further difficult for me to concentrate, and I finally decided to go out and have a stroll.
4. No, sleeping was not an option. AT ALL. Do not direct your thoughts in that direction.
5. Out of the many places I could have gone to, I chose the lakeside. Finally some nice, serene place with no disturbance and perfect solitude, I thought.
6. And for the seven million and forty seventh time in my life, I was wrong. Lakeside was buzzing with angry-looking professors, some of them jogging around and some others trying to ape Baba Ramdev.
7. I also noticed Pooja Padhi (our HS-101 Microeconomics Professor) calling out for someone and giving me a disgruntled look. Talk about having a bad start for the day. I wondered how she even remembered my face...I'd hardly attended even 20% of her classes in the whole semester.
8. Pissed, I started moving further down the path which actually leads to the lake, and to the denser tree cover, in the hope of getting some solitude. Everyone other than myself was a piss-off at that point of time. Sleeplessness makes you get irritated quickly and for no reason.
9. I knew there were rumours of leopards roaming around at that part of the lakeside, and it still was quite dark, for there isn't proper sunlight before 6:45 AM in Bombay during winters. I hardly cared. I actually wished I found a leopard or something, for a change. My life was hell boring anyway.
10. Thankfully there was no one there. Apparently Ramdev hadn't taught the professors some exercise to shoo away leopards. I caught a strange glistening insect lingering on a small leaf some way down the side of the lake. I couldn't resist myself and went ahead to have a look.
11. Something happened just then...It wasn't a leopard as I'd anticipated, but was something surely no less dangerous than one, in terms of fatality. A long, brown snake came out right in front of me, from nowhere! It freaked the senses out of me, and as I turned back to run, it was a SLIP! SPLOSH! THUD!, and I was down and out. I looked around to check out the snake, thankfully it wasn't there now. But it surely booked my brand new Benetton T-Shirt for another round to the washing room, plus led to incessant bleeding in my right elbow. Now you know why you can't get unluckier than this, your MA-105 exam being just a little more than 24 hours away. For the next few minutes, I didn't even have the strength to get up. Something inside me wanted me to spend the next few hours lying stomach-down, cursing that unlucky day of January 1991 when the biggest loser ever was born, and tasting some more of the lakeside mud.
"Won't you even care to get up and move away from that filthy place?!".
"No!" I replied, "I don't want to. There's no point, something pathetic will happen to me again. I'm happy being here. At least some poor leopard family will get a week's meal."
Wait!
Why am I telling all that to a dreamy female voice?
Looking up, I saw a female hand extended towards me.
Another result of sleeplessness? I thought.
"Will you get up or not, stupid boy? I don't have all day with me here."
I held her hand and got up immediately. There is something in a strict female voice which makes you lose all your ego.
So she IS real after all, eh!
"Oh my! What a mess you've made of yourself?! And why the heck should you be here at this desolate place at this point of time?"
A scolding was the last thing my already pissed-off brain could have tolerated, that too from a girl.
"I can ask the second question to you too, miss. What are you, being alone, doing here, before the sunlight could even creep in? You came here to save me from the nature's wrath? Eh?"
"Yeah, that's what I came here for. Now would you mind getting out of this place or you want to wait for more wild animals to scare you?"
I didn't reply, just fell into step beside her and followed her out of that wild place. We didn't exchange a word. It was light by then, and now that I could see her more closely, I was awestruck. That, undoubtedly, was the most beautiful face I'd ever seen inside the IIT campus, and probably ever in my life. She was an inch shorter than me, and probably some two or three years older. Of course, she couldn't have been an undergrad there, or she would already have been the talk of the testosterone-charged undergraduate population, something which can hardly escape your ears if you are aware enough. She replied after some two minutes of silence.
"Hey, you're hurt! Here, take this bottle of water and wash your face and whatever else you can. I also have a first-aid kit with me. I keep it handy, whenever I move out for jogging."
She gave me the bottle and a band-aid from her bag.
"Thanks so much! Is someone in your family a Doctor, by the way?" I asked, after getting as much dirt out of my face and T-shirt as I could.
"No. Why?"
"Who on earth keeps a first-aid kit while going out for a casual jog?"
"Hehehe...I prefer being safe."
Somehow, her giggle irritated me more. Every damn thing was irritating.
"So, you're doing B.Tech? First year?"
"Integrated MS. First year, yeah."
"Won't you ask what I do, hero?"
She really was irritating. I'd have preferred being left alone, but then she helped me, and I couldn't have been rude.
"Ok, what do you do here, mademoiselle?"
"I've come here on a semester-long project in the Bio-School, starting from the next semester. I stay at a friend's place whose father is a professor here, so no problem of accommodation you see!"
I never asked her all those details. Hell, I'd caught up with one pesky female. I don't know why her being so beautiful was not affecting me a wee bit.
"Cool. So here comes the gate. You'll go the opposite side no? The professor's buildings are there."
"Nope, I'll go that side, towards the departments. I'm not tired yet, so! You're going that side too na? Good, I'll have some company. I'm usually alone while jogging, you know. Won't mind some company. Hehehe."
Damn!
And that giggle again. Killer. I was doomed.
After another round of silence, she finally broke in.
"So, something is troubling you from the inside, no? Tell me."
I looked at her, surprised.
"Chocolate?" She offered. I shook my head and walked on.
She unwrapped one and stuffed it into my hand. Females could be a thousand times more irritating than boys.
"So go on, tell me everything. What's the problem?"
Silence.
"HeLLO?"
Just keep on walking, and ignore her. She'll shut up automatically. I assured myself. That's the trick, Just keep on walking and be silent.
"Hello mister, I'm talking to you!" She poked my left arm with her over-grown nail.
I'd lost it then. I really had. Enough! I need solitude, and this is not helping me at all.
"What on EARTH is wrong with you? Okay, thanks for helping me and all, but I need SOLITUDE, do you get me? I have my MA-105 exam tomorrow and I haven't slept for the last two days and I got dumped four months ago by a girl whom I'd known for three years. And I'm GETTING IRRITATED BY EVERYTHING. Will you just LEAVE ME ALONE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? PLEASE?"
Ten odd IIT Bombay professors stopped whatever they were doing, and turned towards us, eyes fixed. Bull! I never intended to be so loud.
Plus, one thing which I hadn't noticed was how close I'd gone to her in my harangue. I could almost observe the contours of her lips.*gulp*
I'd expected her to be mad. I could guess what would've been going through her mind, at that time.
Just look at this guy! I helped him when he was in complete mess, I'm being nice to him and all, and he's shouting at me as if I'm some roadside slut. Why not just kick him at a wrong place for this act of his?
But unexpectedly, she didn't seem to be angry. The professors continued on their usual monotonous routine, and we proceeded out of the lake-side area. I tried looking at her, and she was looking at me. Quizzically, and not crossly as I'd expected. I kept on walking.
I looked at her again, and her expression was the same.
"What?" I asked defensively.
"Nothing. Your chocolate is melting. Eat it."
"Sorry, I shouldn't have shouted."
"It's ok, mister tormented_by_life. And you still haven't answered my question."
sigh
"Told you no, exams and all. Academic pressure, when all you've studied throughout the semester is Philosophy and Arms & Ammunition and Pakistani music history instead of MA-105."
"Ahh. As if this is something new for you, mister Chatterjee. You've been doing this all your life, studying just before your exams. Spare this, and tell me about what happened with the girl."
"How in the name of crazy apples do you know.......??"
"Tell me, quick. I don't have much time. I'll move in a different direction from the YP gate, and that's where we are headed to right now, I feel."
Holy crap! This can't be happening to me. Just. Can't.
"SPEAK UP!"
"The usual story, sort of. We had been good friends for some two years, and been together for a year. Then she went to a different place. She changed, I didn't. I became a loser for her, someone who only cribs and is not 'fun' to be with and stuff. She thought other guys there were a lot cooler than me, she thought she was naive to have even liked me in the first place. She wanted to enjoy life and all...so, you know, she said I should start minding my own business from then on. In brief, this is all I can say."
"Aww...that's sad. But it's four months, dude. Shouldn't this have been enough for you to forget her?"
"You say this because you've never been through what I have been. Saying is way too easy, miss."
"So you still love her or something?"
"NO! That would be the most stupid thing I could do. It's over, finished! Gone!"
"Then you hate her because she's been a bitch?"
"No. I don't hate her or anything. She was a nice girl, and she had her reasons, and they were valid enough for her. Why should she become a bitch for wanting to be happy? Naah...nothing like that."
"No love. No hate. Then what the hell is the problem with you?"
"I don't know. Maybe I just want her to...apologize or something. For whatever she's made me go through."
"So you'll continue to be pissed until she apologizes, and literally be a loser."
Silence again.
"Honestly, you know, I don't even want her to apologize." I was looking at her now, and twisted my lips into smile, before continuing. "C'mon! that's not a big thing. It's really stupid, expecting her to apologize when she doesn't care, for a doughnut's sake!"
"You've thought out everything rationally enough. You have enough sense to know what is right. You have convinced yourself that you're being stupid, and you want to move on. WHY THE HELL should you be tormented then, and have no life, my dear boy?"
I knew she was right. Hell, I knew I was right!
Really, why the heck should I be??
We walked silently for the next few minutes. YP was visible by now. I looked at her. She smiled, and I smiled back. Suddenly, I was feeling...free! No irritation. The early morning felt pleasing. The trees, sparrows, pigeons, everything was as nice as before! I was flushed with gratitude for her, really. Even though she hadn't done anything extraordinary, but she had done something which struck me exactly where it should have.
You haven't even asked her name, dumbass!
"Hey, what's your name? Funny that I didn't ask this before."
"I'm an angel."
"Hahahaha. What's your name?"
"Angels don't have names."
Bullshit!
"It's alright if you don't want to tell me. Doesn't matter."
"Okay, cool then. But I am an angel, believe me or not."
I could guess IIT had done something to her mental balance. Couldn't blame her, actually. It does the same to all of us. But her case was obviously a bit over-the-wire. Anyway, we had reached YP by that time.
"So, mister Chatterjee, I have to go now. My destination has a different direction from now on. You're a sweet guy, you know. And handsome too." She winked.
Oh my!
I blushed (c'mon, it was natural). She really was the most gorgeous female I had ever met, without doubt.
"Thanks so much, 'angel!' You've really done me a huge favour. Hope to meet you again, sometime."
"I do not. I only meet people when they are in trouble, you know!"
"Oh, cool then. Let's see if you can avoid me for the next few months. I know a semester-long project lasts for a full semester. Haha." I smirked.
She just smiled, in a 'poor you' way. And patted my back. And walked away towards the direction of the residential apartments. I stood there fixed for some time, confused, but then finally walked away, watching her slender figure disappear in the early morning fog.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning after the MA quiz, I was at the lakeside again, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I couldn't find her anywhere. I didn't see her ever again, even after many attempts to find her in the subsequent mornings. One day I actually went to the Bio-School and inquired about the students doing a semester-long project in the next semester.
There were none.
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