Things You'll NEVER Hear Them Say

Richard Dawkins: Science? Oh C'mon, God created it! Amen.

Pope Benedict XVI: Hey nigga, fuck you man!

Happy Potter (on watching Hermionie use the Levitation Charm towards the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts): Hey, that was like, real MAGIC, girl! How could you do that?

Karthik C.S: Oye launde chal daaru peeke aate hain!

Prateek Chaturvedi: Dude, you really consume alcohol? Don't you know it's prohibited out here?

Michael Jackson: KEEP THOSE LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM ME! I hate 'em.

Holden J. Caufield: Who me? I'm real stupid.

Mahatma Gandhi: Maaro saale ko! Maaro!

Andrew Wiles: How did I prove what? Oh that?! It was just a random dream...

Arpan Saha: Masturbation? Err...what's what? (looks up in his e-dictionary)

Arpan Saha: RG? Who's she? (looks up in his facebook friends' list)

Anuj Shah: Hey, let's bunk tomorrow's IC lecture man, that prof. is so boring!

Oscar Wilde: Woo...that chick was hot!

Uncyclopedia founder: Oscar Wilde? Who the fuck is he?

Max Payne: I think I should sleep for a while, you know. I'm tired.

Sambre: Yaar PJ mat maar...meri khap jaati hai.

Kanitkar: Hostel enthu? Kya fart hai!

Mood-I CG: Acads pe dhyaan do, baaki sab fart hai.

Rakhi Sawant: I was AIR 73, IIT-JEE 1999.

India TV News Reader: Aur ab kuch aam khabrein...

Suryateja Gavva: I got a girlfriend!

AIR 1: I had a girlfriend!

Salhotra: Abey hostel elections ke chakkar mein mat pado, jaao midsem ke liye mugo!

Random Gulti: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Random Ghati: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: *Says something*

Navjot Siddhu: *Keeps his mouth shut*

Harshvardhan: Mera bandiyon se give-up ho gaya hai yaar!

Srinath: Chemistry?? How bowwring!

DOSA: Here, boys, I have some 20 lakhs this year to contribute to Mood-I. Will that be enough? And you can always take my car.

Ravindra Jadeja: And then I hit that elegant cover drive....

Ashish Nehra: Hey, me too!

Vishy Anand: Let's play some cricket.

Dilip Tirkey: I was thinking about some chess though...

IITB Director: We don't need no...education...

Mihir Mogre: Chalo mentees...kal Rodas mein treat hai meri.

Sherlock Holmes: You're completely correct, Watson!

Watson: Oh yeah? Gimme some cocaine then.

Himanshu: Hindustani Classical? Dude, that's so old fashioned!

Hannibal Lectar: Vegetarian, is the way to be!

Ketav: Alright, enough! I won't show my teeth, EVER!

Majin-Buu: GOKU?? He's stronger than me! I won't fight him!

Jack Sparrow: Spare his life! Take mine.

Dhruv Vijay Mairal: Pr0n should be banned in NUJS.

Salman Rushdie: English, my friend, should be as simple as possible!

Rahul Sharma: Ma**r C**d! Teri Maa Ka Bh***a!

Master Chief: That hunter was pretty cute, no?

Rajnikanth: I can't fly.

Me: You say I'm just GOOD at debating? I'm GOD at debating! And that's the freaking point!

-I know I missed loads of them...I hope you guys contribute more through comments. I'll publish the good ones. :D

Chimpu...and Nothing to Do!

After all these months of inactivity, I actually have nothing significant to post. Honestly. You really have to be in a "mood" to start typing a blog post, and most importantly finish it. There are approximately half a dozen posts which I started and got up to 50%, and then abandoned them for reasons not properly known even to myself. Other than laziness, I mean. I hope I'll finally get the enthusiasm to finish them and post them soon. Hope runs the world. :D

Hey by the way, have you ever seen a dog chasing it's tail? Hahaha...it's so funny I tell you! I went to my neighbour's yesterday and they have this cute pomeranian who always comes around and keeps licking my feet. I went to their place after like, a year and he still remembered me! Dogs are more faithful than humans, I tell you. Go to a close friend's place after a year and he'll be like "Who are you? Fuck off, bitch!" Ok, at least my friends are that way. The bastards. Pomeranians are so much better.

So I was chatting with my neighbour, who unfortunately had to repeat his 12th standard, yet AGAIN! I never understood why that guy isn't serious at all towards his career. Even his parents are so aloof. It kills me. And that auntie, she's so phoney! She's the types who'll talk so sweetly and all with you when you're around but behind your back she'll be the first one to curse you. I hate such aunties. No wonder her son is a complete rascal.

Ok so, coming back to the point, as soon as the dog was finished licking my feet, it suddenly jumped down the stairs (we were sitting on the stairs), and started running around frantically, chasing its tail. I never understood why dogs love to chase their tails so much. Some people say that the poor creatures think their tail is some sort of a prey. But then, c'mon, even if dogs initially see their tails as bushy little squirrels, it shouldn't take them long to realize their mistake. I mean, they remember you even after they see you after a goddamn year, man. They can't be so stupid, no.

It's quite possible that some dogs catch a glimpse of their tails, get excited, and without thinking about it try to catch the pesky things. They rarely succeed, of course, but they still keep trying to chase them down, not once or twice, but all the time! They may simply think it's fun, specially when people they live with think it's fun too. Dogs generally happen to enjoy an appreciative audience, as much as I've learned from my experience of observing their habits. When they discover that something gets them a lot of attention, they'll keep doing it.

But this has a downside...some dogs will keep on performing their act even when the curtains are down! So with no one around, they still keep on chasing their tails, and then they run themselves ragged until they collapse in a panting heap on the floor.

And then they get up and do it again. Just like Chimpu did that day. Yes, Chimpu, that's the name that my neighbour has given to his dog. What a name! Chimpu. Couldn't he think of anything better and a little more sophisticated? No wonder that guy failed twice in his 12th.

So after an hour I was going back again, and Chimpu got up, started wagging it's tail and started licking my feet again. That dog is so nice I tell you! He hardly barks and always does crazy and funny things with people around (and sometimes when they aren't too). I almost felt like asking him about his tail-chasing sessions and all, and explaining to him why it was futile and why he'd never be able to make it unless his tail grows as long as a buffalo's. But then I realized I was not that good a communicator with dogs, so I decided against it. Chimpu is quite cute though, you know. Chimpu, what a name!

Anyway, enough of my idiocy, I just had to post something coz I hadn't since the last three months, plus I was in no mood of writing emo/psychological/philosophical/how_should_one_live_his_life_to_be_happy stuff this time round. And hence Chimpu. Hahaha. :|

And as a good friend of mine signs off,

Peace,

Rapunz.......uhuh!!

Anupam. :)

One Man's Land

Into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Illuminated, but, by the succinctness of the incessant curvature,
Of the ever-static, ever-necessary, portrait of anthropology,
Shaped like a double-bow, inviting its victims,
To crush down on it's variable double-flapped terrace.

It started with the very genesis of the human race,
Something so irrevocable, persisting through millenniums,
Surfaces did change, but the course remained the same,
Never was there an ambiguity, never, an iota of shame,
'Coz the cycle of life, hung on, on that very entity!

As into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Yet again, the drowse withstanding,
It rested at the far end, my eventual destiny,
The three lesser brothers, the no-contact ones,
Paving the way, for they'd already been taken...

By those lesser mortals, fear impinged on their brain,
Of breaking down, lest they miss their common tryst.
My tirade never helped, 'twas a battle of equals,
What with the final weapon in my hand, the left one?
I was left helpless, gaping, the last one standing.

So into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Filled with those innumerable regrets, of not waking up,
Soon enough to be able to get in, the Indian Style loos.
Yes, my friends, with serious reservations,
That was the day, I had to use the 'Commode.'


~And I have a Scilab assignment to upload in the next few hours.
~Needless to mention I haven't done a *shit* 'bout it.
~Goddamn.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum \m/

Ek Aankhodekhi Report:

Q.E.D. is the new upcoming death metal\m/ (read thrash, doom, black and blue, death, killer, motherfucking hell, screw you bitch, you're dead if you don't scream your voice-box out) band doing the rounds in the recent underground death metal\m/ scene. This band, like no other band before, takes the death metal\m/ scene to a new height altogether.

In the attempt for a new Guinness record for the highest decibel reached in growling during a death metal\m/ track, this new band broke all previous records, growling for a record four minutes at above hundred and fifty decibels. Five completely sane human beings, who were standing just besides the mega-speakers (after this activity I wonder if you can actually consider them as completely sane) lost their hearing ability, and with that their nonchalant interest in death metal\m/, for ever. As reported by their band manager, Q.E.D. was actually saddened after this news was confirmed, because they had their initial aim of deafening at least ten (so called) sane human beings to make their Guinness record more satisfying and distinct.

The inside story, as I got to know later, was that the only thing Q.E.D. wanted was to reach the top position at the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition in Mood Indigo 2013, the annual cultural festival of IIT-Bombay, which just doesn't look like coming to an end, ever. During my investigation, I also got to know a lot of curious information which was, until now, hidden from the general public. For an example, did you know that more than half of the audience watching the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition (including samples like me), didn't understand the head or tail of whatever crap the Q.E.D. vocalists were ricocheting, but they still were tapping their feet and banging their heads as if they were die-hard 'DEATH METAL\m/ FANATICS' since the day of their arrival on this planet?

Considering the sutta-fanatic judges, who found Mach-3 too expensive to buy, I was sure that Q.E.D. would reach the top of the LIVEWIRE\m/ concert, and so they did. Hypnotizing each and every member of the audience, Q.E.D. finally showed that they were not to be taken lightly in the international Death Metal\m/ Scene. Junta! Get ready for Q.E.D. We're here, and we're GROOOOOOWWWWLLLIINGGGG!

Now for some interesting facts, which will get you goosebumps. Here are the COMPLETE LYRICS of the latest Q.E.D. track, for which there have been two reported suicides already. The poor guys couldn't control their anticipation and excitement and hung themselves to death. Really poor guys.

okay, so back to the lyrics, here they are:

AWWWWWOWWWW GRRROOOOWLLLLIINNGGGGGG WE AREEEE!
AWWWWWOWWWW STILL GRRROWWWLLLINGGGG WE AREEEE!
WHO THE FUCK GIVES A DAMN 'BOUT THE LYRICS!
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND A RAT'S ASS OURSELVESSS!
GROWWWWLLLL GROWWWWWLLLL IT'S FUN TO BE AMONGST SUCH MORONNSSS!
GGGRRRRROOOWWLLLL GROOOOOWLLLL AND GROWLLLL AND WE CANNN SWEAAARRR AT YOU AND NO ONE GETSS A THINGGG!!!
DUMBFUCKS WE'VE BEEN REPEATING THE SAME STANZA FOR THE LAST FIVE MINUTES!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA THIS IS AWESOMEEEE!

I hope you found it orgasmic. For further updates on the godmaxxx Q.E.D., keep being an asshole and a DEATH-METAL-FANATIC \m/! There's no 'and/or' here.

GRRROOOWWWLLL!!


~ Eleven minutes (if you get the pun, you're awesome) is all that it took. And now I have a job.
~ And yeah, a very Happy New Year, for all those losers who think, yet again, that this year's gonna be the best ever. Take care.
~Oh and how could I forget?

DEATH METAL \m/ FTW!!

And now for the BESTTT PARRRTTT!!

Épée!

Who be he? Who be he?
He takes our breath away!
Who be he? Who be he?
I have nothing to say!
The mystery man, our saviour,
He set all of us free...
Oh no! He is...oh yeah, he is...
The onliest Épée!