Puke

Puke, yes that's what they do. All around me. Puke, all the time. Puke out stupidity, puke out irrationality. And that, that makes me puke too.
You thought the world was a fantastic place with fantastic people all around waiting to do nice things all the time, people who think for the good, people who can logically deduce what is good for them and for others, all the fucking time. What you don't realise is that the optimism they display is a fucking joke. To survive, you have to slit someone else's throat, directly or indirectly.
Humanity developed, they said, and that development makes them far superior than all other living beings and shit.
But who is to vouch for the fact that all this development was actually good for you? What significance do you have, a tiny speck in this swarming flood of six hundred million assholes, born to survive, and dying in that attempt to survive.
The world, my friend, is a pileful of morbid shit, courtesy us. When Holmes said he didn't give a boot if the earth goes round the sun or otherwise...I couldn't agree more with him. He knew as much as was needed to do his work, and for the rest of the idle time he lazied around injecting cocaine into himself. I don't think Holmes died an unsatisfied man, no way. Holmes was not crazy.
But you are, my friend. You crave for recognition, recognition amongst all those people who puke around, all the time. Why the should you, my friend? Have you no sense of time? I'll tell you what you should do: Not give a fuck! Yes, exactly. Try not giving a fuck as to what they think about you. If you can get enough to survive, as well as be happy, what else do you need? But then, again, you've been doped since your birth, you've been shown the upper limits of two hundred different things, without actually being shown the shady path of actually reaching the upper limit. And you fooled yourself into thinking that it was your upper limit too. You, at that very moment, fucked up your chance to be happy. A mistake which can only be rectified after a lot of sense is instilled in you, and that, my friend, is not an easy process. Till then, listen to the pukish shit, and puke around. Oh yeah, of course, there's always your saviour. God. When you meet him, give him a nice kick on his butt, from my side.

Yeah, I'm fucking grass-ed. So what? The very fact that you have nothing better to do than to read my insignificant pile of shit shows how big an asshole you are. No worries. I'm with you. Asshole.

Patriotism; a positive trait?

Ever since my mind was developed enough to think sensibly, I never had a thing for patriotism. Of course, I always supported India in an India versus any other country's cricket match, but that was because I had to take one side, and there was no logic behind taking the side of the other country, of course. I never was "proud" of my country, to be honest. To be "proud" of your country, you need to have something in the country to be proud of. You need only to switch on your television and watch the national news channel for one hour to get numerous reasons for not being proud of your country. When shit happens before your own eyes, it's very difficult to ignore it and continue believing in those doctrines which have been taught to you since your birth.

No, I do not intend to give the points why I think India is way behind other countries and reasons why "we" are still backward and stuff like that, because such a list of points will of course not adhere to the word limit of a blog-post (whatever it may be). People may say, as they always say, "baatein to sabhi karte hain, par kisiko kuch karna nahin hai desh ko sudhaarne ke liye!" This is one of the most nonsensical statements I've come across with. They mean to say, that to get a good life for yourself, first you have to "sudhaaro apna desh" and then expect anything good for yourself. How fucking retarded. Why can't I, as an individual of the world, have the right to get the best facilities available for myself, wherever in the world they may be? Why can't I expect a society which has minimal corruption, which actually works according to a set of laws of the land, and where you can expect to live a good and comfortable life being a common moderate individual and not a person with radical views of "changing the country?" Why do I have to be stuck in a place I know is not as good as some other place in the world just for a display of my patriotism? I can find no good reason, not one.

Coming out of India in particular, and talking about patriotism in general, I could never find a logic behind being patriotic about any country. As far as I think, a country is not a discernible collection of discernible individuals like a team or a faculty or a local chapter of a voluntary association. Of course a country is a delimited territory. It is also a place, a setting, a geography; it has a landscape, cityscapes, perhaps seascapes; it has old buildings as well as new ones; it has historical sights; it has a light, an air, an atmosphere; it has a special look. But it is also constructed out of transmitted memories true and false; a history usually mostly falsely sanitized or falsely heroized; a sense of kinship of a largely invented purity; and social ties that are largely invisible or impersonal, indeed, abstract, yet by an act of insistent or of dream-like imagination made visible and personal.

What, then, is patriotism really? It is a readiness to die and to kill for an abstraction: nothing you can see all of, or feel as you feel the presence of another person, or comprehend. Patriotism, then, is a readiness to die and to kill for what is largely a figment of the imagination. For this figment, one commits oneself to a militarized and continuously politicized conception of life, a conception that is entirely masculinist.

I ask us to notice that an abstraction of the sort I say patriotism is, is not the same thing as a principle. There is a very sharp contrast between a readiness to die and kill for an abstraction and a readiness to do the same for a principle. A principle must be universal, but an abstraction can have any scope. To embrace a principle, which is of course abstract in some sense, is to pledge oneself to a rule to guide one’s perception of the world and, if one has sufficient integrity, to guide one’s conduct in it. A moral principle…governs one’s conduct toward others, and the expectations one had to the conduct of others. A moral principle must be conceived as universalist, and asks for consistent application; and it aims at respect for persons or individuals, not abstract entities of imagination. There is also a sharp contrast between an abstraction like patriotism and a tangible interest like being protected or preserved in one’s rights of life, liberty, and property, for which purpose it may also sometimes be thought necessary to risk death and to kill.

The highest moral principles teach restraint of self-preference, whether the self is oneself or a group-self; while, on the other hand, a person’s basic rights and tangible self-interest, in a tolerable society, are supposed to be practiced or achieved without morally cognizable harm to the same rights and interests of others. In contrast, patriotism is self-idealization; it is group narcissism without any self-restraint except for a frequently unreliable prudence, and carried to death-dealing lengths. Patriotism is one of the more radical forms of group-thinking, or group identity and affiliation. I will never consider it as a positive trait for any individual.

Yes, I will still support India in an India v/s any other country's sporting event, but don't expect myself to remain here just for the sake of patriotism, in case I am getting to live a better quality of life anywhere else in the world. Not a chance.

Me, and not Them

I see, I analyze, I decide, I conclude.
About me, about others, my life, their lives. I've never really liked myself, never much hated too. But life for me, at any point, has never been a complete bed of roses

I segregate this part of me into a portion I call a 'Psychological mumbo-jumbo.' Comes like, once a week or something. But it does come, and so it has come.

I fear analyzing myself, even though I love it. It gives me infinite possibilites to think, and my brain loves activity. An activity which I know will mostly end up in a result, which might be correct or otherwise.

I fear it because I know that somewhere down in those dark galleries lives a me I don't want to be. A me of lies, deceit, hatred and fear. A me who is obssesed with myself, my ideals, my decisions. I've wronged many and many have wronged me. I fear going through everything all over again. It hurts me, and I cry. Doesn't mean that I'll shed tears, I've learned how to cry without shedding tears. But I cry nevertheless.

I am stupidly emotional. I have always been like this. There is no reason for it. I hate this part of myself. I feel I'm not 'man' enough. Who on earth cries when he sees Gandhi walking semi-naked through the streets of Dandi? Who cries when he sees Ganguly hitting an awesomely elegant century and silencing all his critics? Hell! who cries when a new-born puppy snuggles up with his mother to cut out the cold? I do, because it doesn't stop at just that for me. I think about it further. I relate it to the past, something which did affect me once. And I cry, and this is a ritual. I'm not saying that I love it. I hate being different. From the inside, I hate being different. I'd rather be normal, with all those normal means of fun one has, without those infinite fixations. Without worrying much about the world. Ignorance is certainly a bliss.

I do not like being alone. But I have to. Because I can't be with someone who can't make me feel good. There's no point. That's the problem with me. I search for "points." Someone rightly said, "You're so mechanical, Anupam!" I can't agree more with her. If I can't get my "points" by doing something I don't do it. I am that pathetic perfectionist you watched in sci-fi movies. I even search for perfection in imperfection. It's terrible.

Have you ever experienced strong spasms within yourself? Have you ever found that one shoulder missing from your vicinity, the shoulder which always exists in your dreams, to support you? There is a beginning to happiness, but there is no end to sorrow. Those are the times when you feel that you're the biggest loser ever. And you justify yourself being that. Your mechanical brain tells you that you're a loser, and you can't defy your mechanical brain just because it has given you your "points" to prove that you are a loser. You hang your head low, grounded by failure. There is a faint light at the end of the tunnel and you don't have the speed to reach it before it vanishes.

I know that I think too much for an eighteen year old boy. There's going to be no positive out of it. There is never a positive out of sorrow, whatever they might say in those proverbs. I've seen it, I've experienced it. You just need to learn to be happy. Just mug up ways to be happy, and apply them. There's no concept here, no logic, no mechanical "points." You don't need to be an IITian to be happy. I'm still applying those ways. And they're not my darling "points." I'm happy, but I've lost this battle with myself. I can only try hard and save my identity, because I know it makes me me, and not them.

I'm still me.

IIT. Big thing? Yes. No.

So I am finally getting in the prestigious, excellent, heavenly, "add another awesome adjective here" IIT-Bombay. And I got science too, those teenage dreams of studying science seem to be coming true too. Maybe there's a shift of interests from Physics to Chemistry, but then I've seen many mighty warriors pwned by those quantum mechanical mumbo-jumbo which, dreadfully so, makes them realize that pure Physics is not just Mechanics and basic Thermodynamics. In that sense, Chemistry seems a lot safer for me; it is evident by the fact that I opted for chemistry when I could have got pure Physics anywhere.

Yeah so, am I feeling heavenly? Not really. Not at all, actually. It's been three long years since I dreamed of getting through JEE. Not aware of the reality then, IIT seemed something out-of-the-world, where over-intelligent alienated humans prevailed and ruled over the less-fortunate engineering junta in other institutions. Now, it really feels like just-another-college. Okay, maybe a lot better than just-another-college, but surely nothing close to being heavenly.

Face it people, IIT is not a big thing today. I mean, anyone taking as obscure a branch as architecture in as obscure a place as Kharagpur has the "privilege" of being called an IITian. So what's the big deal? There are a few odd thousands of students in colleges like BITS and IIIT-Hyderabad better than those 5-6-7000 rankers in IITs.

And it's not only about the low rankers; thankfully because of the awesome Kota system, dickheads who know nothing about the environment around them, who've spent more than two years of their life in those dingy classrooms cramming up stuff, get a good rank and a good branch. What's their aim in life? Ek baar IIT mein ghus jaao yaar, fir to masti hi karni hai. Balls. You bastard, IIT does not want people who think JEE is an end. JEE is just a beginning. But hardly does anyone realize it. And those school-education-impaired teachers who teach them in coaching classes don't help anyone either. I mean, how can you just give away two years of your school life! And that too two crucial years of 11th and 12th, when your brain actually learns the most about the world around!

A decade ago, yes, IIT was actually a heavenly place to be. People did cram and get in in those times too, but the percentage was not as much as it has become now. And ofcourse there were a lot lesser seats, precisely half of what is now. And the subjective pattern did test a lot more of inherent intelligence than the current objctive pattern. Today, more than half of the students in IITs are from those Kota classrooms! And the rest aren't great either. Cool people from Bombay-Delhi and other big cities rule too. Late night booze parties and other high-society-city-life stuff are happily introduced by them, and getting drunk is no longer a wrong this to do. Dad's having loads of cash, son/daughter in an IIT. Nothing to worry about in the world. Others can go get a life.

There is the third category too, consisting of genuinely intelligent students. Most of the Bhilai students are like that, I feel. Monseigneur Shashank S. Dwivedi being the prime example. That's why I used to think, when in 11th, that most people in IITs are like our Bhilai heroes. Alas, I now realize that they actually are in a very insignificant minority. But still, the condition in IITB is a lot better than places like Kgp and Roorkee, which needless to say are pathetic places to be, from the "intellectual" quality of students and prevalent college culture point of view, however good their infrastructure and faculty might be.

But enough said and done, IITB is still the best tech college in the country. Period. So bas aage aage dekho, hota hai kya. Just hoping for the best. :)

Trying to be away from negative thoughts

This would be a common problem for people like me, people who think a lot, about the past, present, and the future. People who can get paranoid by just raking up a thought without actually anything happening, or at times turn surprisingly cheerful because something seems to work for them. But only in their head. It's the dream-future-world which changes it's form, not the real world.

It's a stupid thing, or put in layman terms, an immature thing. I call it a layman term in this scenario, because calling someone or something immature does not take into account the thousands of small links which actually makes him/her/it what he/she/it is. But stupid or immature, the fact is that it is undesirable. It is negative. It is not the way to be.

What we don't understand when a negative depressing thought enters our mind is the consequence. Or precisely, we don't try to understand. It does no good, a negative thought. It depresses you, it makes you unhappy. And there is no practical consequence of a negative thought, that is needless to say.

There are some simple methods to be away from negative thoughts. I don't know much about mind-control and stuff like that; I am not a spiritual guru. But what I do know is that mind-control is a great thing. It's the pinnacle of achievement for a human being, because he can then be calm and happy and cheerful under any circumstance. What more does one want, be it the poor villager or the exorbitantly rich industrialist?

Yeah so, coming back to the methods, which I think are useful under a lot of circumstances when one can potentially get depressed by a thought. Some simple things which can be practised easily.

1. Whenever you feel you are thinking about something which is depressing you, immediately try to visualize what consequence it will have on you. Not just visualize, try to feel it, re-create the situation for an instant, in your brain, when you are pissed and depressed and feel like nothing to do. And then say to yourself "why the heck was I thinking about that? I have other works to do." If you do it properly, it works. It worked for me, and I am no spiritual guru, as I said earlier.

2. Don't plan much about the future, or regret much about the past. It is useless, hopeless. Thinking about depressing things from the past is practically the most useless thing to do; it is of no good consequence whatsoever. And planning much about the future is actually an invitation to unhappiness; most plans actually don't end up the way we want them to, and it's a fact. It's better not to plan much, and if we do plan, we should be ready for a plan B and plan C. And still be ready for hte situation in which the plan C too may fail.

3. Try not to sit idle. It's an important thing. A busy mind will not be a host for the parasitic negative thoughts. It's the idle mind which is most vulnerable, for we always have the urge to "try out" a thought.

4. And then, try as much as you can, to be cheerful even in hopeless situations. People don't understand that being grim actually serves no practical purpose. And in people I include me too. It's not easy at all, I know, but if some effort is put in it will bear many fruits.


There might be many other infinite ways to be away from negative thoughts; I think a small browse through any "mind control" web page will make you learn a lot more than those seemingly obvious points I mentioned. But these were just some things which I tried in various situations, and actually felt that they work. :)

And yeah, these things might seem worthless and "get a life, dude!" kind of things to the hedonists, people who only gain happiness in what they say is "having fun." They think they're happy, they think all these "thoughts and stuff" are bullshit. But you know, to put it honestly, this happiness is actually fake happiness. It arises actually out the want to be happy, and not the need. There is a difference, and I think, in this case, the need is stronger than the want. Hedonists are actually ignorant, to put it blatantly.
Ignorance is a bliss, agreed, but one can't be ignorant for all of his/her life. Every child grows up. And when those bubbles of ignorance eventually vanish, they will actually understand how "happy" they are.

Yeah so, not to worry much about the hedonists, I'd certainly like to know if these things do work on anyone else, other than me. No, I actually don't expect anyone to read this post. People have better works to do, lol.

But I would like to know, nevertheless. I can only wait. :)