Things You'll NEVER Hear Them Say

Richard Dawkins: Science? Oh C'mon, God created it! Amen.

Pope Benedict XVI: Hey nigga, fuck you man!

Happy Potter (on watching Hermionie use the Levitation Charm towards the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts): Hey, that was like, real MAGIC, girl! How could you do that?

Karthik C.S: Oye launde chal daaru peeke aate hain!

Prateek Chaturvedi: Dude, you really consume alcohol? Don't you know it's prohibited out here?

Michael Jackson: KEEP THOSE LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM ME! I hate 'em.

Holden J. Caufield: Who me? I'm real stupid.

Mahatma Gandhi: Maaro saale ko! Maaro!

Andrew Wiles: How did I prove what? Oh that?! It was just a random dream...

Arpan Saha: Masturbation? Err...what's what? (looks up in his e-dictionary)

Arpan Saha: RG? Who's she? (looks up in his facebook friends' list)

Anuj Shah: Hey, let's bunk tomorrow's IC lecture man, that prof. is so boring!

Oscar Wilde: Woo...that chick was hot!

Uncyclopedia founder: Oscar Wilde? Who the fuck is he?

Max Payne: I think I should sleep for a while, you know. I'm tired.

Sambre: Yaar PJ mat maar...meri khap jaati hai.

Kanitkar: Hostel enthu? Kya fart hai!

Mood-I CG: Acads pe dhyaan do, baaki sab fart hai.

Rakhi Sawant: I was AIR 73, IIT-JEE 1999.

India TV News Reader: Aur ab kuch aam khabrein...

Suryateja Gavva: I got a girlfriend!

AIR 1: I had a girlfriend!

Salhotra: Abey hostel elections ke chakkar mein mat pado, jaao midsem ke liye mugo!

Random Gulti: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Random Ghati: Main is parivesh mein dhal chuka hoon.

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: *Says something*

Navjot Siddhu: *Keeps his mouth shut*

Harshvardhan: Mera bandiyon se give-up ho gaya hai yaar!

Srinath: Chemistry?? How bowwring!

DOSA: Here, boys, I have some 20 lakhs this year to contribute to Mood-I. Will that be enough? And you can always take my car.

Ravindra Jadeja: And then I hit that elegant cover drive....

Ashish Nehra: Hey, me too!

Vishy Anand: Let's play some cricket.

Dilip Tirkey: I was thinking about some chess though...

IITB Director: We don't need no...education...

Mihir Mogre: Chalo mentees...kal Rodas mein treat hai meri.

Sherlock Holmes: You're completely correct, Watson!

Watson: Oh yeah? Gimme some cocaine then.

Himanshu: Hindustani Classical? Dude, that's so old fashioned!

Hannibal Lectar: Vegetarian, is the way to be!

Ketav: Alright, enough! I won't show my teeth, EVER!

Majin-Buu: GOKU?? He's stronger than me! I won't fight him!

Jack Sparrow: Spare his life! Take mine.

Dhruv Vijay Mairal: Pr0n should be banned in NUJS.

Salman Rushdie: English, my friend, should be as simple as possible!

Rahul Sharma: Ma**r C**d! Teri Maa Ka Bh***a!

Master Chief: That hunter was pretty cute, no?

Rajnikanth: I can't fly.

Me: You say I'm just GOOD at debating? I'm GOD at debating! And that's the freaking point!

-I know I missed loads of them...I hope you guys contribute more through comments. I'll publish the good ones. :D

One Man's Land

Into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Illuminated, but, by the succinctness of the incessant curvature,
Of the ever-static, ever-necessary, portrait of anthropology,
Shaped like a double-bow, inviting its victims,
To crush down on it's variable double-flapped terrace.

It started with the very genesis of the human race,
Something so irrevocable, persisting through millenniums,
Surfaces did change, but the course remained the same,
Never was there an ambiguity, never, an iota of shame,
'Coz the cycle of life, hung on, on that very entity!

As into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Yet again, the drowse withstanding,
It rested at the far end, my eventual destiny,
The three lesser brothers, the no-contact ones,
Paving the way, for they'd already been taken...

By those lesser mortals, fear impinged on their brain,
Of breaking down, lest they miss their common tryst.
My tirade never helped, 'twas a battle of equals,
What with the final weapon in my hand, the left one?
I was left helpless, gaping, the last one standing.

So into the annals of perpetual complexity did I go,
Filled with those innumerable regrets, of not waking up,
Soon enough to be able to get in, the Indian Style loos.
Yes, my friends, with serious reservations,
That was the day, I had to use the 'Commode.'


~And I have a Scilab assignment to upload in the next few hours.
~Needless to mention I haven't done a *shit* 'bout it.
~Goddamn.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum \m/

Ek Aankhodekhi Report:

Q.E.D. is the new upcoming death metal\m/ (read thrash, doom, black and blue, death, killer, motherfucking hell, screw you bitch, you're dead if you don't scream your voice-box out) band doing the rounds in the recent underground death metal\m/ scene. This band, like no other band before, takes the death metal\m/ scene to a new height altogether.

In the attempt for a new Guinness record for the highest decibel reached in growling during a death metal\m/ track, this new band broke all previous records, growling for a record four minutes at above hundred and fifty decibels. Five completely sane human beings, who were standing just besides the mega-speakers (after this activity I wonder if you can actually consider them as completely sane) lost their hearing ability, and with that their nonchalant interest in death metal\m/, for ever. As reported by their band manager, Q.E.D. was actually saddened after this news was confirmed, because they had their initial aim of deafening at least ten (so called) sane human beings to make their Guinness record more satisfying and distinct.

The inside story, as I got to know later, was that the only thing Q.E.D. wanted was to reach the top position at the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition in Mood Indigo 2013, the annual cultural festival of IIT-Bombay, which just doesn't look like coming to an end, ever. During my investigation, I also got to know a lot of curious information which was, until now, hidden from the general public. For an example, did you know that more than half of the audience watching the LIVEWIRE\m/ competition (including samples like me), didn't understand the head or tail of whatever crap the Q.E.D. vocalists were ricocheting, but they still were tapping their feet and banging their heads as if they were die-hard 'DEATH METAL\m/ FANATICS' since the day of their arrival on this planet?

Considering the sutta-fanatic judges, who found Mach-3 too expensive to buy, I was sure that Q.E.D. would reach the top of the LIVEWIRE\m/ concert, and so they did. Hypnotizing each and every member of the audience, Q.E.D. finally showed that they were not to be taken lightly in the international Death Metal\m/ Scene. Junta! Get ready for Q.E.D. We're here, and we're GROOOOOOWWWWLLLIINGGGG!

Now for some interesting facts, which will get you goosebumps. Here are the COMPLETE LYRICS of the latest Q.E.D. track, for which there have been two reported suicides already. The poor guys couldn't control their anticipation and excitement and hung themselves to death. Really poor guys.

okay, so back to the lyrics, here they are:

AWWWWWOWWWW GRRROOOOWLLLLIINNGGGGGG WE AREEEE!
AWWWWWOWWWW STILL GRRROWWWLLLINGGGG WE AREEEE!
WHO THE FUCK GIVES A DAMN 'BOUT THE LYRICS!
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND A RAT'S ASS OURSELVESSS!
GROWWWWLLLL GROWWWWWLLLL IT'S FUN TO BE AMONGST SUCH MORONNSSS!
GGGRRRRROOOWWLLLL GROOOOOWLLLL AND GROWLLLL AND WE CANNN SWEAAARRR AT YOU AND NO ONE GETSS A THINGGG!!!
DUMBFUCKS WE'VE BEEN REPEATING THE SAME STANZA FOR THE LAST FIVE MINUTES!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA THIS IS AWESOMEEEE!

I hope you found it orgasmic. For further updates on the godmaxxx Q.E.D., keep being an asshole and a DEATH-METAL-FANATIC \m/! There's no 'and/or' here.

GRRROOOWWWLLL!!


~ Eleven minutes (if you get the pun, you're awesome) is all that it took. And now I have a job.
~ And yeah, a very Happy New Year, for all those losers who think, yet again, that this year's gonna be the best ever. Take care.
~Oh and how could I forget?

DEATH METAL \m/ FTW!!

And now for the BESTTT PARRRTTT!!

The Three Mistakes of My Day

It all started when, after one full week of looking like a bonobo, I finally decided to shave off my beard and be a human once again. For a change. At times, not having a girlfriend makes you care shit about your appearance. Don't know if it was the effect of being horrified by an eight-feet long poisonous snake early in the morning languishing outside my room, which might have shot my mind somewhere. Who can forget Himanshu's petrified cries of "Abey! Saanp hai wing mein! Aath feet lamba! Jaldi aa! Jaldi aa!", waking me up from a meagre two and a half hours of mosquito-ridden sleep.

Anyway, I lazied off to the basin area with my shaving kit. I didn't put on a tee and just hoped Arpan won't hop out of his room with his "Hey, sexy!" remarks and that coquettish smile. Thankfully Arpan was busy staring at the pics of his self-proclaimed "queen of the campus." Frankly speaking I didn't find her even close to being the queen of anything. Except maybe the queen of not having, ahem, some elementary things.

Then came the first mistake of the day, which was not looking at your effing watch when you have one at a distance of 28.5 cm from your eyes. The 8:30 A.M. MA-105 lecture was, of course, supposed to be bunked that day, because apparently UK's nonchalant cries of "Green! Stoke! Divergence! Attendance! Sudesh (yeah right)!" were not something one would love to start one's day with. Except of course, some dickheads for whom not sitting on the first row was as good as not attending the class itself. I mean, c'mon, you know math and all, okay, you were in the IMO camp, excellent. But why the heck should you use so many "Yeah! YEAH! yEAH! and yEAh!"s in your speech for no apparent reason other than shooting some random bull? Bloody Ghatis (no offense meant, believe me or not). You know English, but why show off? So MUCH? Dumbfucks.

Yeah so, coming back to the basin area (I'm suddenly reminded of 8th standard Geography here. Strange), I finally cared to stare at my watch, and it was 10:25! Goddamn hell! Sunoj's CH-103 lecture at 10:30!! Couldn't miss it that day at any cost. I'd already missed the last lecture and had to attend this one, because Sunoj's uploaded slides contained absolutely nothing of importance. I mean, who on earth wanted to know how to draw arrows from one compound to the other for chrissake? "Arrows are one of the most important things in Organic Chemistry", declared professor R.B. Sunoj, one fine morning. Yeah, definitely. That's what is most important. Rat's ass.

And I so wanted to shave properly that day, I swear! But then, "Life's not always fair, my child," I echoed those pravachans of Deepak Phatak in my ears and finished shaving in a record three and a half minutes. And cut myself under the lower lip. Putting as much of my lower lip inside my mouth as possible I palpitated back to the room. I checked for Himanshu et al in the nearby rooms, and they were all gone. Bloody bastards, I have got one sadist bunch of batch-mates with me, I tell you. Couldn't at least one of them wait for poor me? Screw 'em all.

I put on the only set of washed clothes I still had remaining and any random deodorant I could lay my hands on. Yes, I do sweat a lot. As always, no rickshaw or bus when you need one. Having a bicycle in IITB is a waste anyway, the place is so hilly that you'll have to pull your cycle half the time, rather than the other way round. Finally I reached the lecture theatre, tired and panting. And it was at that very moment timed 10:53 A.M. that I committed the second mistake of the day, entering LT through the front door when the back door would have been a lot less attention seeking. I entered to be welcomed with a guffaw and chants of "aa gaye hero! aa gaye! aa gaye!" by those lifeless rascals who just en-cashed on any goddamn opportunity to create a ruckus during the lecture. And then came, as expected, Sunoj with his uber-pathetic attempts to sarcasm, "Welcome! Welcome to CH-103! Look at the clock, my boy, there. Only thirty minutes late. Now that's not a big deal. Sit, sit. Enjoy yourself. I don't give marks for attendance anyway." I was about to defend myself and correct him by reminding that I was twenty five, not thirty minutes late. But some good sense warned me from doing so. I fumbled on the first empty seat I could lay my ass on, flustered to perfection. There went the next thirty minutes of my attention as well. I could as well have bunked the lecture and slept pretty, minus the embarrassment. Fuck.

Coming back to the hostel, lunch was pathetic. Monday lunches. I skipped, coz I didn't have an appetite for the canteen stuff either. And then I entered room no. 290. Arpan's laptop fortunately wasn't busy with Karthik sitting crooked and staring at the screen for no apparent reason whatsoever, which is the usual case, and I started doing some random shit online. And then at 4:55 there came Ketava Mehta's call, which reminded me of the third mistake of the day, not sleeping even when you're dead sleepy and doing random bull on the internet instead. Monseigneur Ketava reminded me of the NSO swimming endurance test, which was to start in another FREAKING HALF AN HOUR, and which involved swimming continuously for one hour, without stopping anywhere. The only problem with me was that I had hardly slept the entire night, plus I'd wasted the afternoon doing, as I mentioned earlier, some random shit online, without sleeping for a second, and that I felt I would be DEAD if anyone made me swim for fifteen minutes. One freaking hour. I was so dead.

Seven thirty and I was back after the endurance test, swimming a decent 1.6 kms without a single stop. And I was alive. Just that I felt like a complete lunatic. The same feeling one would have after gulping down two quarters of neat Smirnoff. And I was hungry. And sleepy. Actually, dead hungry and dead sleepy. Being more of the sleeping kind, I just fell on my bed. Damn! I actually fell on Patil, who was already sleeping there, on MY bed under MY bedsheet. I just hoped he didn't mind much. You're in for some serious problems if your roomie suspects that you have a thing for him. Anyway, I remember shooting him some bull as an explanation towards my strange behaviour, and pleading him to sleep somewhere else. He agreed immediately, and I slept my heart out. Patil is a nice roomie. A really nice roomie.

Épée!

Who be he? Who be he?
He takes our breath away!
Who be he? Who be he?
I have nothing to say!
The mystery man, our saviour,
He set all of us free...
Oh no! He is...oh yeah, he is...
The onliest Épée!

Dayamaxxx! Godmaxxxx! Infy craxxxx! Shucks.

I won't say that I've learned nothing in the first out of the total ten semesters of my stay at the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology Bombay (a.k.a. IITB a.k.a. insti a.k.a. "wo...Hiranandani ke saamne, jiske 2 gates hain...ek gate ke paas bus stop hai...haan wahi waala, IIT"), unarguably the best engineering college in India, by far, and one of the best in the world. I've learned the most important part that one learns in the first year...Yeah, I've learned the Godmaxxx IITB lingo! Can you beat that? Can you?

My tryst with an IIT lingo wasn't the first one, I'd known about a significant part of the IITKgp lingo (and the hopelessness of it) beforehand, courtesy some previous contacts with the institute.

I'll mention the "slangs", and my version of what it actually means, in the order of maximum usage, from the most used one to the least. Can't list all of 'em, of course, as they say they're a total of 133 slangs! I'll just mention the ones most unique and most commonly used. Yeah so, here we are...

1. dayaa (pronounced as दया), sometimes with more than two 'a's at the end, which can range from three to a thousand, depending on the intensity of the 'dayaa shout'. You can't be an undergrad in IITB and not hear this word being shouted, exclaimed, used as a sign of disgust, and wherever else it might fit in. Personally, I find this the most illogical and most unsophisticated word of the IITB lingo, and fortunately I haven't used this word even once, inspite of it being shouted around right, left and centre.
What does it mean, then? Dayaa actually means pity, but it's hardly ever used in the literal sense. It's actually a sign of disgust.
If you here Sambre shout "Dayaa yaar Kanitkar!", it means poor Kanitkar has done something which Sambre thinks is disgusted by.
If you hear students shouting "Dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" in a HS-101 class, it means without doubt that Prof. LM Bhole has crossed the limits of boring his students and they want him to stop IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
If you hear people shouting "Dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (notice the greater number of 'a's) during some performance, it means that the performance is as pathetic as it can get, and the students want it to stop or change IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
I guess that was enough about 'dayaa', and you got a fairly good idea of the usage of this part of the lingo. Moving on...

2. infyy (pronounced as in-fee), was originally, meant to be an acronym for infinite, for the folks found 'infinite' too long a word to pronounce. Or I should say too 'infyy' a word to pronounce. Bleh. Yeah so, 'infyy' fights with 'dayaa' at being the most used word of the lingo, many times both being used in collusion "infyy dayaamaxxx yaar!", and stuff. (The maxxx post-fix will be discussed at a later stage).
So what does infyy mean? Infyy actually has absolutely nothing to do with infinite. I repeat, absolutely nothing. Any goddamn thing, greater than one in number or quantity, is infyy. Yeah, right. You see someone eating two eggs, and you say 'infyy ande khaata hai yaar', You see someone coming back after a rigorous game of table tennis, and you exclaim 'infyy TT khelke aaya hai, is baar inter-IIT pakka!' Someone doing regular mugging, and you comprehend it as 'infyy mugging.' You see, we at IITB believe in being flexible in our lingo, so that we can use anything, anywhere. We hate hindrances, yeah. Enough of 'infyy' now, or I should say "infyy infyy ho gaya," lol! So moving on again...

3. fart (pronounced as fart itself, whatever, just for the sake of symmetry), is the part of the IITB lingo which I actually don't dislike. Mainly because it can be used as a substitute for the eff word, which is quite an achievement I tell you. 'What the fuck!' can now be substituted as 'Kya fart hai!', and I feel the second one has more universal acceptance, at least from the decency point of view. And needless to say, fart has nothing to do with the literal meaning, ahem, though both the roots are somewhat related. I'd rather not go into the details.
So fart actually means big-time bullshit, or anything which might irritate you. 'fart mat machaa yaar' means the speaker wants you to stop your bullshit IMMEDIATELY, AT THAT VERY MOMENT. 'kya fart hai' is, as I already mentioned, 'what bullshit is this?'. 'abey aaj ka paper fart gaya yaar!', means the paper was big-time bullshit for the person concerned. So that's it about 'fart' I guess.

4. junta! (pronounced as jun-taa), means, well, people more than one in number. That's it. When you shout 'JUNTAA come to the footer ground', you mean all of 'em, whatever work they might be engaged in, to leave all of their work and come to the footer ground, mainly to watch people breaking their legs and hands and getting groin injuries. Junta comes in synchrony with neta, which means any general volunteer, for anything ranging from mess secys to mood-I CGs.

5. pain, which has, again, little to do with the literal meaning, means something which actually doesn't seem to have any apparent roots. Mostly used as 'pain maarna'...'infy pain maar raha hai', means something or someone is making you feel uncomfortable, or 'in pain.' That's like the only usage I think, other than the alternate 'kaafi pain ho gaya', which is somewhat closer to the literal meaning.

6. arbit, meant to be an acronym for 'arbitrary' (pronunciation problems again), is actually used in a really flexible sense. As an acronym for arbit, 'abey last bench pe arbit comedy chal rahi thi', and as something/someone that is weird/strange/not the way it should be, 'wo banda din bhar koi arbit kaam karte reht hai, thoda hila hua hai uska', 'arbit' is used in both ways.

7. give-up, used in the sense 'give up hai tera' or 'give up maar de', meaning good for nothing and actually giving up in the real sense respectively ie. 'chhod na yaar'. Give up can mean what it's supposed to, or at times it can have the same meaning as 'fart' in the sense of something that’s bad/avoidable., 'that’s a total give up movie'. It’s also used as an expression of defeat, when one realizes that one is facing impossible odds. In short, you can use it anywhere. Even bihari uses it, and used it correctly. You can understand, now.

8. scope, or having a scope, is actually used in the sarcastic sense meaning 'having no scope'. 'scope hai yaar tera to...' means you've done something really really dumb and you "have" a lot of scope for that work ahead. One of the other slangs which I like, coz there apparently is some good logic behind it. Plus it leaves the other guy who has no knowledge of the lingo guessing. :D

9. and finally, the postfix maxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (more the number of 'x's, greater is the effect), which can actually be used after any word and means loads of anything. scopemaxxxx, dayamaxxxx, godmaxxx (which Ketav used for me when my program for the CS project finally compiled properly...but then that's another story), infyscopemaxxx, infygodmaxx........ok I'm getting carried away now. So it's better to...shut upmaxxx, lol!

~Peace!

Give me!

Someone give me time, patience, and a laptop. So that I can update my blog, yeah. Infact I just did that. Maybe. :|

I suck. Maybe.

Maybe?

Karthik C.S.: ANUPAM!

Me: WHAT?

Karthik C.S.: I have some views about you.

Me: Like, what?

Karthik C.S.: I think you're the "maybe" guy. I've been noticing your replies.

Me: Is that somethine your IMO brain tells you? Haan? Ahan?

Karthik C.S.: Maybe, you're right.

Me: Yeah? Now who's the "maybe" guy dude?

Karthik C.S.: You!

Me: Yeah, maybe. Sigh.


Life is a maybe. Shit, when will I get a life? And do something productive?
GIVE ME, an answer. Pleej? :)