The Fake Einstein

I had no idea why Albert, my new research assistant, had come up with such absurd a solution to so simple a problem which I had presented before him. Just the other day, I was discussing with him stuff related to the constancy of the speed of light in various frames. Something which I infer to be true, of course contrary to the general belief. I've always been uncomfortable with the status quo of time being constant irrespective of the newtonian reference frame it is in. Even though Physicists in general might consider this idea to be totally looney, there is this "something is wrong somewhere" feeling which has been bugging me for a long time now.

Unable to bear the confusion and restlessness any more, I called up Albert up to my office that night, after finally formulating a much simpler solution and, more importantly, a correct solution to the "relativity problem," as I called it, than what he had earlier come up with. Albert was one of the most promising guys under me, always enthusiastic to learn something new, and never afraid to think unconventionally. Needless to mention, he never considered me to be a lunatic.

"Albert! Good to see you up here! Please take your seat."

"Sir, why did you call me up at this point of time at night? Anything really important?"

"Albert, the solution you gave me, it was incorrect, and rather clumsy, to be honest."

Not actually being aware of my to-the-point talks, Albert looked a bit offended at my comment.

"Well sir, I thought I'd rather understood the problem very well, and I couldn't find a flaw in my solution, though I admit it was somewhat complicated and lengthy."

"The only flaw in it was that it was incorrect. And you made me strain a lot over the problem because you made it unnecessarily difficult. Look here, the velocity transformation equation you've used to convert the velocity from one inertial frame to another, doesn't actually take into consideration the simple result: If you take a speed much lesser than the speed of light in vacuum, this equation should give way to the classical velocity transformation equation, for it has been verified by experiments. The simple fact that it didn't, was enough for me to conclude that you solution was incorrect."

Albert pondered over that equation, and finally agreed to it's incorrectness.

"But sir, this might surely be a small mistake, and can be rectified isn't it?"

"It can't, sadly, because you've used the same equation to derive loads of other equations in your solution. In short, it is useless."

"Then you surely can give me a better solution, sir? Have you come up with it?"

"Yes I have, Albert, and that's why I called you up here now. I derived these equations mathematically, using just the basic two postulates as my defining laws. I feel that this solution is much simpler and, actually the correct one."

Albert went through the solution intensely. After a lot of cogitation he replied:

"Perfect, sir! Do you have any idea that this could create history, and that the very basics of newtonian mechanics will be directly challenged? I'm not sure that this would be accepted without a lot of ruckus amongst the Physicists and scientists in general. You must be prepared for replies to loads of questions, sir, I must warn you. This isn't going to be easy at all. Are you sure you have a strong basis for your claim?"

"I have, Albert, and for the betterment of science in general, it is no good that this theory should be confined within these four walls. I will send all related papers to Princeton, and other copies to other big universities. We can call it the 'New Theory of Relativity.'"

"Yes, the 'New Theory of Relativity', by Albert Einstein!"

"What? What did you just say, Albert?"

"Shut up, you retarded fool. What on earth did you think? I was working on this stupid problem under a stupid Indian just to sit out and make merry of his fame? hahahaha...this is not going to be the case, my dear sir! I, I will be famous this time. This will be MY theory of Relativity, and I will be the most famous Physicist in this world."

"Surely, Albert, this is most outrageous. Have you gone out of your mind? I don't think you would dare to make this speech if you were sane."

"I am completely normal, you bastard. You do not deserve to be famous. What are you? A rude know-it-all who thinks that he can make anyone work under him and obey his orders even if he behaves with them like they're nobodys? I am a Physicist too, and your monopoly over Physics research is going to end, you Paki rat. YOU are going to end!"

He took out his revolver.

"Albert? What are you doing? Please, NO! Albert, stop! Don't be so selfish...I was not doing all this to become famous, I just wanted to contribute my bit to Science, and Physics. Please, Albert, put down that revolver. I will mention your name, and all the work that you have.........."

"I will listen to no more of your non-sense, you nincompoop."
BANG! BANG!
"Take that! And that!"

"No! No! Spare my life! Noooooo!"

"Abe chutiye 'spare my life...' uth ja, 9 baj gaye. Physics ka tutorial hai. Tabse saale neend mein bake ja raha hai. Pi li thi kya raat ko?"

"Heh? What? Albert?"

"Albert tera baap behnchod. Aankh kholke dekh. Main bhi late ho gaya aaj. Pichli tute bhi tune bunk maari thi, ye wali chale ja nahin to XX lagegi. Abhi uth, brush muh mein daal, aur tute chal. Paagal ho gaya hai saale."

Eh?!?!



~Nuts.